My daughter has Bipolar Disorder .. my daughter has Bipolar Disorder but Bipolar Disorder does NOT have my daughter. The years have not been easy, but together, my daughter and I have managed to get on top of this beast and we control it. It no longer controls us.
I really just began to discover this new phenomena. As I have watched this sweet, innocent infant grow into a sweet, inquisitive young child, into a very busy and challenging girl, a defiant teenager and now a gorgeous, vibrant and joyful, young lady. I see this creature, one of pure beauty unfold before my eyes. Her beauty runs deep. Lynn is so incredible and so uniquely herself. Not influenced by others. She moves to her own beat and commands so much attention naturally. You can’t encounter her without feeling something, in some way has just happened to you. I cannot even imagine this world without her.
Lynn has a light that emanates from her soul. It has always been there. But never has is presented in the way it now does. Those close to me tell me I did a good job raising her. Ha! If they only knew that I was struggling so hard to fix this..to fix her. I made so many mistakes. But I just kept telling her I love her no matter what. Even when I was so mad I felt like screaming; and often did. I told her I love her from the depths of my soul and there was nothing she could ever do to change that. My love; a mother’s love. Love that always is, never changing and unconditional. Yet, at the same time I felt that her all consuming personality with all it’s demands would surely consume me. So many times I thought/prayed/pleaded, dear God, help us, one of us is going to untimely leave this world. I just feared something tragic would happen to her or to me during one of those really passionate times. Or that an accident would just take one of us at random and all of this business would change. Abruptly. Forever.
Just as a sweet, simple, little sailing boat tossed about by the mighty sea, the moorings coming loose; without warning, Lynn would slip into a state of pure anger with irrational reasonings. Efforts to contain her emotional outbursts when she was two were difficult and so heart wrenching for an inexperienced young mother. When she got a little older it was pure terror.
There seems to be an alternate world I live in. It feels that way. Like I live my life on a different plane of time and space than everyone else. That my loved ones revolve carefully around my psyche. Like an intricate dance of a Shakespearean play. The protagonist was really not Lynn..was it? Was it really me and everyone was involved in this elaborate dance; this cover up to protect the delicate balance of my world? All of the struggles, the therapists, the doctors, the medications, was that all to protect a fragile spirit that was really me? Sometimes, the two of us are so interchangeable that I feel it is all happening to me..for me. It is not something I control yet I’ve learned the dance so well. I know all the correct steps that protagonist and antagonist have now melded into one.
And we are back, in the psychiatrist office, talking with the doctor about how the past few months have been. Mood changes, problems with different relationships. Explaining how Lynn feels, if there has been any significant change in her behavior. New prescriptions for refills on the same meds with some slight changes in dosages. A check in call with her regular therapist and then back to living life again.
My daughter has Bipolar Disorder and she is a fabulous, loving and inspiring human being. I am honored, privileged and well, downright lucky to be her mother, the one who raised her, loves her and has her as a very important part of my life.
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