That is how long Lynn has been back to school. She is like a different child. Mature, balanced. Where did this come from?! It’s as if a switch went on in her head. Is this the Bipolar? A new phase to travel on this journey? I have prayed for this for most all her life. I have prayed that one day I would have that beautiful person I know she is..that I would have her back. And here she is! Since she has been back to school her grades are ALL up to As and Bs, well, all that is except for Spanish which she has a C in. But a high C. I told her I’LL TAKE THAT C!!! That’s great! That’s super because I know how hard she is trying! I know because I can feel it in my soul. I can feel it in that instant of a connection when I hear her teenage girl voice. Nothing has changed with her meds..Nothing at all! Not even the time of day she takes them! She has had one or two little tiffs with girls in her dorm but that is just teenage girl stuff..you know, those dreaded “girl wars” at this age. ((giggle)) She is such a delight to speak with on the phone. She calls me every day and she is always bright. I can hear the joy in her voice. Today, she is off to South Carolina for a swim meet. (She is a swim team manager. – She loves that too.) She is getting the extra help she needs for her Spanish class to bring that grade up and also for her Physics class to keep that grade up.
What is the lesson here? I am selfish because I know, these lessons are for me. There is some greater plan, someone is navigating unchartered waters and if I just give in to that plan and stop the struggle it will all become clear. It is said we live our lives for our children. This child has given me my life in ways she could never know.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
A Series of Disasters...bring on the Xanax and a one-way ticket to an unknown, obscure island...
Where do I begin? I realized I had had enough when I couldn’t breathe…come on!!! BREATHE!!! Just one good breath…feeling dizzy, shaky, I have the feeling I want to scream!!! I want to run away, hide, I can’t take all of this…BREATHE!!! I can’t take a breath…pressure on my chest…I feel like coughing, dizzy.
Twice Thursday, January 3rd – I suffered full scale panic attacks.. Lynn was mixed up with a drug pusher at the local high school and a teenage convict in another state…these two teenagers (Lynn and her boyfriend, Daniel) won’t tell me what is going on. Lynn is shaky and in tears..she is at the therapist office..she told him a little about what is going on but not much. Lynn begged me to take her to see Daniel. Something about apologizing and she needed to see him in person. I couldn’t do it..I had commitments to others and appointments to make. She threatened to walk to his home 4 miles away and down a very busy street. I still didn’t take her…I had to honor MY commitments…I can’t let someone else down, miss an appointment because of her compulsivity. Breathe…the room is getting fuzzy and dim..I am sitting – I put my head back and all is quiet, dark and still - I am out…back in seconds – I catch my breath. I am out the door to my next commitment…two little girls attending a winter break camp. (My younger daughter and her friend.)
Lynn is failing out of her college prep boarding school. She has NEVER failed a class…never had anything less than a B+ on a report card – even a progress report! Why? Is high school that challenging? She is highly intelligent. She is perfectly capable of the completing work and effectively at that. I have spoken with her teachers…they say it is difficult to engage her in class. Her teachers report that even her class mates attempt to bring her back into focus during class. Frustration. I put so much effort, love, attention into this child. I am scared for her future; I am scared for her present! Why is she failing so completely?! What has changed in her life? Oh, the answer would come…the answer…Lynn is clinically obsessive compulsive. Should I be happy that her obsessions are seemingly innocent? She has been obsessed with food, she has been obsessed with counting rituals, and she has been obsessive in nail biting and biting at the skin on her fingers...and there have been other obsessions… Lynn’s current obsession: her cell phone. To the outside world this is just a typical teenager who loves to talk on the phone and send text messages right? That is what the friends and family say to me. Remember, Lynn is not typical. Lynn is Bipolar. She also is clinically obsessive compulsive and she is sociopathic. Put this together and it is a recipe for some serious consequences. Lynn’s text message bill was more than 1,000 pages. She sends on average 3 text messages per minute from 6:00am till midnight….
I later learn what it was that Lynn and Daniel weren't telling me. That a boy from Lynn's previous school and the one that Daniel currently attends has been contacting Lynn through text messages. His messages are vulgar and contain lewd pictures of himself. Lynn and Daniel were trying to handle it on their own. Eric, Lynn's father stepped in and paid a visit to this boy's home and spoke with his parents. We hope this is finally the last we will hear from this boy. The drama that ocurred between Lynn and Daniel was that Lynn became fascinated with this lewd boy and began engaging in a dialogue with him. This angered (obviously) her boyfriend, Daniel as he told her that this other boy was a bad kid and she should stay away from him. Daniel was so upset that Lynn would continue to speak with this other boy and almost broke up with Lynn over it. Thus the tears and anxiety from Lynn during her therapy session. Is she learning? She can only comprehend the immediate; the present. She doesn't comprehend the consequence or the affect of her actions. Together with her therapist we are trying to show her in a loving and non-threatening way how to recognize and evaluate her actions. The concept is so simple. Most people get it at a rather young age. This is Lynn's handicapp. This is how we try to deal with it. As her mother, I worry for her future relationships; family, career, etc..
Drama! So much drama when Lynn is home. Fast forward three weeks. Lynn has now been back at school for three weeks. It seems like such a short time, yet also so long. I miss her. Yes, you heard me right. She is my beautiful first born daughter and I love her. I miss her presence. I dream about her at night; that she is growing up and slipping away from me. When Lynn is home it is high frequency tension. But in some small, little way, it is also comforting to have her here…to have the family unit together in completion.
The drama of the holidays with Lynn at home…the consequence of her actions were to remove her laptop and to cut off her texting/pic messaging, etc. from her phone. Now she can only use her phone to make and receive voice calls…(old fashioned huh?). Almost immediately after losing her text messaging privileges; and I mean within mere minutes, Lynn was calm and content. Not even seeming to miss her text messaging privileges she was on to the next thing…seeing her boyfriend and packing for returning to school.
Lynn returned to her boarding school and was instantly happy and content. She dug right into the second half of the school year with the passion and drive I have seen in her before. Since returning, Lynn’s grades are all up in the A-B range. The class she failed last semester, she now has an A. She had one incident with another child in her dorm. However, after speaking with the dorm mother who spoke with both girls..it seemed that it was not at all something Lynn instigated. And furthermore, Lynn had many girls on her side defending her in the dispute – which was just a verbal girl fight that they do at this age. It still hurts my heart that these things happen, however, I must also remind myself that this is one of the reasons I have her there…to learn a life lesson about how to handle herself properly in these types of situations. She wouldn’t get this at home…just conflicts with her family which wouldn’t teach her anything about conflicts with her peers.
Lynn will come home in two weeks for winter break. I am looking forward to her visit.
Twice Thursday, January 3rd – I suffered full scale panic attacks.. Lynn was mixed up with a drug pusher at the local high school and a teenage convict in another state…these two teenagers (Lynn and her boyfriend, Daniel) won’t tell me what is going on. Lynn is shaky and in tears..she is at the therapist office..she told him a little about what is going on but not much. Lynn begged me to take her to see Daniel. Something about apologizing and she needed to see him in person. I couldn’t do it..I had commitments to others and appointments to make. She threatened to walk to his home 4 miles away and down a very busy street. I still didn’t take her…I had to honor MY commitments…I can’t let someone else down, miss an appointment because of her compulsivity. Breathe…the room is getting fuzzy and dim..I am sitting – I put my head back and all is quiet, dark and still - I am out…back in seconds – I catch my breath. I am out the door to my next commitment…two little girls attending a winter break camp. (My younger daughter and her friend.)
Lynn is failing out of her college prep boarding school. She has NEVER failed a class…never had anything less than a B+ on a report card – even a progress report! Why? Is high school that challenging? She is highly intelligent. She is perfectly capable of the completing work and effectively at that. I have spoken with her teachers…they say it is difficult to engage her in class. Her teachers report that even her class mates attempt to bring her back into focus during class. Frustration. I put so much effort, love, attention into this child. I am scared for her future; I am scared for her present! Why is she failing so completely?! What has changed in her life? Oh, the answer would come…the answer…Lynn is clinically obsessive compulsive. Should I be happy that her obsessions are seemingly innocent? She has been obsessed with food, she has been obsessed with counting rituals, and she has been obsessive in nail biting and biting at the skin on her fingers...and there have been other obsessions… Lynn’s current obsession: her cell phone. To the outside world this is just a typical teenager who loves to talk on the phone and send text messages right? That is what the friends and family say to me. Remember, Lynn is not typical. Lynn is Bipolar. She also is clinically obsessive compulsive and she is sociopathic. Put this together and it is a recipe for some serious consequences. Lynn’s text message bill was more than 1,000 pages. She sends on average 3 text messages per minute from 6:00am till midnight….
I later learn what it was that Lynn and Daniel weren't telling me. That a boy from Lynn's previous school and the one that Daniel currently attends has been contacting Lynn through text messages. His messages are vulgar and contain lewd pictures of himself. Lynn and Daniel were trying to handle it on their own. Eric, Lynn's father stepped in and paid a visit to this boy's home and spoke with his parents. We hope this is finally the last we will hear from this boy. The drama that ocurred between Lynn and Daniel was that Lynn became fascinated with this lewd boy and began engaging in a dialogue with him. This angered (obviously) her boyfriend, Daniel as he told her that this other boy was a bad kid and she should stay away from him. Daniel was so upset that Lynn would continue to speak with this other boy and almost broke up with Lynn over it. Thus the tears and anxiety from Lynn during her therapy session. Is she learning? She can only comprehend the immediate; the present. She doesn't comprehend the consequence or the affect of her actions. Together with her therapist we are trying to show her in a loving and non-threatening way how to recognize and evaluate her actions. The concept is so simple. Most people get it at a rather young age. This is Lynn's handicapp. This is how we try to deal with it. As her mother, I worry for her future relationships; family, career, etc..
Drama! So much drama when Lynn is home. Fast forward three weeks. Lynn has now been back at school for three weeks. It seems like such a short time, yet also so long. I miss her. Yes, you heard me right. She is my beautiful first born daughter and I love her. I miss her presence. I dream about her at night; that she is growing up and slipping away from me. When Lynn is home it is high frequency tension. But in some small, little way, it is also comforting to have her here…to have the family unit together in completion.
The drama of the holidays with Lynn at home…the consequence of her actions were to remove her laptop and to cut off her texting/pic messaging, etc. from her phone. Now she can only use her phone to make and receive voice calls…(old fashioned huh?). Almost immediately after losing her text messaging privileges; and I mean within mere minutes, Lynn was calm and content. Not even seeming to miss her text messaging privileges she was on to the next thing…seeing her boyfriend and packing for returning to school.
Lynn returned to her boarding school and was instantly happy and content. She dug right into the second half of the school year with the passion and drive I have seen in her before. Since returning, Lynn’s grades are all up in the A-B range. The class she failed last semester, she now has an A. She had one incident with another child in her dorm. However, after speaking with the dorm mother who spoke with both girls..it seemed that it was not at all something Lynn instigated. And furthermore, Lynn had many girls on her side defending her in the dispute – which was just a verbal girl fight that they do at this age. It still hurts my heart that these things happen, however, I must also remind myself that this is one of the reasons I have her there…to learn a life lesson about how to handle herself properly in these types of situations. She wouldn’t get this at home…just conflicts with her family which wouldn’t teach her anything about conflicts with her peers.
Lynn will come home in two weeks for winter break. I am looking forward to her visit.
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