If you are visiting for the first time. Or maybe you are a return guest. Thank you for your visit. Please know that I am not formally trained in psychology, psychiatry or any mental health discipline. I am a mother who has experienced the onset and early patterns of what I now know to be Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder and it's related nuances in my daughter. I wanted to be a mother with all of my heart and soul. When this little girl came into my world 19 years ago, I was a young mother and very dialed into her from the moment I first laid eyes on her. I knew almost from birth there was something a little different about her. But as a young, naive mother, I brushed those instincts aside..at least until they resurfaced with each stage of her development.
Some of you will be curious. This blog is in fact very honest and real. Please be respectful as this is not taboo and the subject of this blog is a real person just trying to thrive in this life just as we all are. Mental illness is not to be taken lightly, and requires a great deal of maturity, compassion and patience of the care givers to deal with. Maturity, compassion, dignity and respect is expected of those who sincerely wish to learn more about it.
My message for you is this. If you find yourself with a child, sibling, friend or are in some way personally touched by what you read here. Please know that you must not feel embarrassed to talk about it. If you are a parent with a particularly challenging child, please seek professional, trained help for that child. It is not fair to the child or to you and your family to simply push it aside. Understand that it does not always mean that you must medicate your child. If you've read this blog, you've seen my own struggles with medication. I prefer a more holistic approach to life. In some situations, that is not what is best for the person in need. You must put your own biases aside and realize that you should never be upset that your child needs medication, you should be more upset that your child did not get the treatment they really need to thrive in this life. Your child deserves to experience the treatment necessary to help him/her to lead a happy, healthy, full and productive life. These children/people need the ones who love them most to set them on the path they deserve to be on and the one intended for them. These children/people have incredible gifts to give the world. The opportunities are there for them to thrive. Love your child by getting them the help they need and deserve.
My daughter is a living example of how the right help and perseverence can turn turmoil into tremendous success. She is thriving in her life now. She is an incredible force of life. Don't think for a minute that it was easy or will be for you. There is no one right solution. We are all individuals wired differently. It will be a long road. But the most rewarding and enlightening one you will ever be on in your life.
Please feel free to comment or message me privately.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
An Enigmatic Life / JULY 2012
It happens less often lately. It comes up in casual conversation and always catching me off guard. It’s taboo! Or is it. I think it’s not. It’s just life. Life for us anyway, living with bipolar and it’s many faces. People, we are all so different from each other. Some say, “I just want to be [normal].” Why? What in fact is so special about [normal]? That’s right! Nothing is special about normal! My daughter says she doesn’t want to be [special]. Oh but you are. You so very much are indeed. And with the utter HELL raising you has put me through..I wouldn’t change a thing about you. You, my darling daughter, you have awakened me in ways that never would’ve been possible without the trials of mothering you. And your life has burned a path for you and has been branded on the memories and imaginations of countless individuals all along your mere 19 years. With all the pain has come an intense joy and love that is indescribable. I have feared for you..I have feared from you. I have begged God to wrap His protective arms around you more times that I can begin to imagine.
I begin a casual conversation with someone. Then the topic comes up about family dynamics. The individual usually says something like, “I don’t speak much to my sister, she has bipolar disorder.” Or, “Our family struggles with dealing with my father’s depression.” Then I promptly tell them they are not alone. Every family has been touched in some way by some aspect of the psychiatric world even if medical treatment has never been sought. I tell them my story.
It goes something like this;
“I understand where you are coming from. My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 12. Up to that time and since, we have sought treatment for her. More specifically after the diagnosis, we found excellent, temporary residence care for her in order to fully understand her needs and for the specialist to determine the right combination of medication for her. In May of 2010, we had a major set back. Upon the undesired addition of a new boyfriend who was a few years older than our daughter and influencing her in very bad ways, she was Baker Acted into a mental health facility for a period of two weeks. She was at that time in extreme danger. And she was an extreme danger to her family. We were forced to take further measures to protect ourselves from her and the unwelcome influences she brought about. Upon her release two weeks later and at the tender age of seventeen, she ran away with the undesirable influence. We continued to work the “system” and to work with local law enforcement to regain physical custody of our daughter to no avail. The “system” was not set up at all to help parents. It was only set up to help children in abusive environments. She was treated as an adult at the age of seventeen and the boy flew under the laws for statutory rape due to his age being under the age of 24 in the state of Florida. This child today has been out of the diabolical grips of the disgusting boy for more than a year now. She is in college, and successfully holding down a job for almost one full year now. How you ask? What is the secret of her success? Of our success with her? I would hardly call it that at this point. There is still a long road ahead of us. She is still emotionally stunted a few years because of the trauma of her high school years. Bipolar Disorder is not the same twice. It manifests differently from person to person. With my daughter, little annoyances to you or me, well to her they are sirens and she constantly looks to quiet the noise in her head and focus on getting through the day. Getting through a class, holding onto her job, not making a cutting, out of nowhere comment to a friend.
I knew it to be so..long before a clinical psychologist sat me and my husband on his dark green, aged, leather sofa in his office in Atlanta, Georgia nearly seven years ago.
An Introduction to the "Baker Act" / MAY 2010
First, I would like to say thank you so very much for taking a moment out of your busy life to spend a little time with me. The past 18 years of my life with Lynn have been a an unending tide of turmoil and emotional highs and lows. Like a symphony orchestra moving us with all it's deep, dramatic notes from intense, gripping emotion, into the playful dance of grace and peace. A real life story, Lynn's emerging array of mental disorders have sent me into a path that has oftentimes left me alone and in deep despair. Many days I cling literally to life, pushing away snares of evil, holding the comfort of the love and companionship of family and friends.
If you are reading this blog for the first time, to best understand the sequence, please click on "2007" on the right and scroll down to the bottom post entitled, "In the beginning..." then read from that post up.
Jeb, Lynn's new love interest, had pushed his way into her life and then into our family. Smug, defiant, disrespectful, this young man was as mysterious as he was obvious. Never a straight answer about his past or even his present for that matter. He wouldn't or more likely, couldn't even look me in the eye. He was amused about how he and his "buddies" would go down to the street in town where they knew or assumed street walkers frequented and pitch raw eggs at the women. This is who Lynn chose to force on her family? I injected questions into my conversations with Jeb; "Do you go to school? Did you graduate high school? If so when, where? Where do you attend college? What are you taking in college? Why do you have an arrest record? Where do you live? Who are your friends and what do they do?" Every question was answered with lies, elaborate lies. I wanted to believe at first because his presence in our lives seemed semi-permanent like a bad tattoo. The answers to these questions would prove to be more profoundly twisted than the web of lies that were woven. I was appalled that this young man was spending time with my daughter, that he was in my home and around my younger daughter. I was annoyed and then I felt violated when he would blatantly ignore our rules of no visits during the school week. Jeb would come to the house so frequently especially when my husband was out of town and then he would refuse to leave. There was a history of abuse in the form of neglect and quite possibly more at play in Jeb's past. There was an obvious cycle in motion that he had no choice but to repeat.
There was something bubbling up from the muck of deceit and defiance. Lynn and Jeb formed a world all their own. They bought into the fantasy. It was difficult to discern, was it Jeb's influence on Lynn? Or was he really a helpless victim who fell prey to her seductive and manipulative ways. I almost felt sorry for him, but then I realized that he was feeding her manipulation without even really knowing exactly what he was creating. I warned him that he was messing with something he couldn't possibly understand. The grand fantasy that is so text book with BPD (borderline personality disorder) was centered on Jeb but he was really just a pawn, insignificant, yet undeniably culpable, he was the tool that was used by the manipulation that brews inside Lynn.
"I F****NG HATE YOU!!!! I HATE MY FAMILY I WANT YOU ALL DEAD AND I HOPE YOU ALL ROT IN HELL!! EVERY ONE OF YOU!!! I KNOW HOW TO DO IT TOO!!! I DON'T NEED OR WANT MY FAMILY ANYMORE!!! I CAN DO EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING WITHOUT YOU!!! IN FACT, I AM GOING TO BE UNBELIEVABLY RICH!!! WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU *****!!! YOU CAN'T EVEN SIT IN THE ROOM WITH ME...THAT'S RIGHT RUN AWAY. LOOK AT THE WAY YOU MAKE ME ACT!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I LOOK LIKE I'M A CRAZY PERSON RIGHT NOW THANKS TO YOU!!!!"
Click...the handcuffs were snapped on. The chief of police and two detectives escorted Lynn through the doors of the mental health hospital. She was immediately placed in a level I unit. It was a new facility, private, expensive. She was placed deep within the facility, behind three sets of thick, double, bolted doors that only staff had the keys and codes to access. There was a nice courtyard with a sand volleyball court..surrounded by a very tall, chain-link fence with triple razor wire spiraling like a fanciful necklace draped around the building. The cafeteria was stocked with almost whatever the patients could imagine they would want to eat.
I later learned what the "Baker Act" means. A mentally challenged person must present, in front of witnesses an imminent threat to herself or others. The intake coordinator at the hospital said she fit the classic traits required to admit her for observation for at least three days. Upon further evaluation, they determined her to be an imminent threat to me at the very least and then also to her younger sister. They would not even allow me to see her for two full days. They said she was behaving in a violent way and I was her target. They administered Geodome. She went to sleep and when she awoke with a start as she often does, she jumped out of bed, she passed out cold. No food that day as she refused to eat and the Geodome, a very powerful drug overtook her small frame. The nurses caught her before she hit the floor. Then they called me with the update. It sent a chill through me to think what she was experiencing..to think what she was capable of yet also so vulnerable. I would later learn that her vulnerability was in large part due to her deep seated fear of being alone. (Reactive attachment.) This side of her in the younger version manifested itself in the form of tantrums. Now, she is turning into a young woman and the battle of her hormones with her chemical imbalances was more vicious, more intense and more threatening than ever before.
**The "Baker Act." Involuntary Examination (FL Statute 394.463) Defined by the Florida Mental Health Act
When we were finally permitted to see her, she looked so pale and so thin. I couldn't contain my emotion and I just hugged her and kissed her forehead. I whispered in her ear just as I had done so often before when she was a baby, a toddler, a young child..."I love you my sweet girl." The therapist assigned to her case sat stoic..her eyes almost appeared to be accusing me of something. Lynn showed no emotion. She sat down and fixed her gaze on me..just as stoic. I don't know what to feel..do I feel sorry for myself that once again I am rejected by this daughter? Do I feel sorry for her that she lacks any empathy at all for the pain she exacts on me so surgically? Do I feel ashamed that in some way..many ways, I must've failed as her mother? Helpless, self loathing..pitiful and unworthy. These are the feelings that circle around in my own psyche.
Could I have possibly read up more on anything, everything that could be at play here to help her..to help me help her? All the years of therapy, the many, many different doctors, social workers, teachers, family, friends, residential treatment schools. All the university scientific position papers, studies..and countless hours deep in prayer...no answers...only more questions...
The psychiatrist at the mental health hospital where Lynn resided called me and my husband in for a meeting. He told us that nothing out of her mouth was the truth at this time. She was living in some wild fantasy and that she had, "...built a castle in the sky and she has bought it and moved into it." He further told us that she was surrounded by people who were influencing her in very bad ways. That he said with the path she was on, that she would more than likely be in jail or dead within two months. There are few words that are more terrifying to a mother. Devastatingly scared, I was determined to do everything I had to do to save her. Even if it meant sacrificing myself in the process.
Lynn's behavior continued to become more erratic. Her attitude more defiant. She began to have ideas that she never expressed before. Ideas like that she didn't need or even want her family anymore.
If you are reading this blog for the first time, to best understand the sequence, please click on "2007" on the right and scroll down to the bottom post entitled, "In the beginning..." then read from that post up.
Jeb, Lynn's new love interest, had pushed his way into her life and then into our family. Smug, defiant, disrespectful, this young man was as mysterious as he was obvious. Never a straight answer about his past or even his present for that matter. He wouldn't or more likely, couldn't even look me in the eye. He was amused about how he and his "buddies" would go down to the street in town where they knew or assumed street walkers frequented and pitch raw eggs at the women. This is who Lynn chose to force on her family? I injected questions into my conversations with Jeb; "Do you go to school? Did you graduate high school? If so when, where? Where do you attend college? What are you taking in college? Why do you have an arrest record? Where do you live? Who are your friends and what do they do?" Every question was answered with lies, elaborate lies. I wanted to believe at first because his presence in our lives seemed semi-permanent like a bad tattoo. The answers to these questions would prove to be more profoundly twisted than the web of lies that were woven. I was appalled that this young man was spending time with my daughter, that he was in my home and around my younger daughter. I was annoyed and then I felt violated when he would blatantly ignore our rules of no visits during the school week. Jeb would come to the house so frequently especially when my husband was out of town and then he would refuse to leave. There was a history of abuse in the form of neglect and quite possibly more at play in Jeb's past. There was an obvious cycle in motion that he had no choice but to repeat.
There was something bubbling up from the muck of deceit and defiance. Lynn and Jeb formed a world all their own. They bought into the fantasy. It was difficult to discern, was it Jeb's influence on Lynn? Or was he really a helpless victim who fell prey to her seductive and manipulative ways. I almost felt sorry for him, but then I realized that he was feeding her manipulation without even really knowing exactly what he was creating. I warned him that he was messing with something he couldn't possibly understand. The grand fantasy that is so text book with BPD (borderline personality disorder) was centered on Jeb but he was really just a pawn, insignificant, yet undeniably culpable, he was the tool that was used by the manipulation that brews inside Lynn.
"I F****NG HATE YOU!!!! I HATE MY FAMILY I WANT YOU ALL DEAD AND I HOPE YOU ALL ROT IN HELL!! EVERY ONE OF YOU!!! I KNOW HOW TO DO IT TOO!!! I DON'T NEED OR WANT MY FAMILY ANYMORE!!! I CAN DO EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING WITHOUT YOU!!! IN FACT, I AM GOING TO BE UNBELIEVABLY RICH!!! WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU *****!!! YOU CAN'T EVEN SIT IN THE ROOM WITH ME...THAT'S RIGHT RUN AWAY. LOOK AT THE WAY YOU MAKE ME ACT!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I LOOK LIKE I'M A CRAZY PERSON RIGHT NOW THANKS TO YOU!!!!"
Click...the handcuffs were snapped on. The chief of police and two detectives escorted Lynn through the doors of the mental health hospital. She was immediately placed in a level I unit. It was a new facility, private, expensive. She was placed deep within the facility, behind three sets of thick, double, bolted doors that only staff had the keys and codes to access. There was a nice courtyard with a sand volleyball court..surrounded by a very tall, chain-link fence with triple razor wire spiraling like a fanciful necklace draped around the building. The cafeteria was stocked with almost whatever the patients could imagine they would want to eat.
I later learned what the "Baker Act" means. A mentally challenged person must present, in front of witnesses an imminent threat to herself or others. The intake coordinator at the hospital said she fit the classic traits required to admit her for observation for at least three days. Upon further evaluation, they determined her to be an imminent threat to me at the very least and then also to her younger sister. They would not even allow me to see her for two full days. They said she was behaving in a violent way and I was her target. They administered Geodome. She went to sleep and when she awoke with a start as she often does, she jumped out of bed, she passed out cold. No food that day as she refused to eat and the Geodome, a very powerful drug overtook her small frame. The nurses caught her before she hit the floor. Then they called me with the update. It sent a chill through me to think what she was experiencing..to think what she was capable of yet also so vulnerable. I would later learn that her vulnerability was in large part due to her deep seated fear of being alone. (Reactive attachment.) This side of her in the younger version manifested itself in the form of tantrums. Now, she is turning into a young woman and the battle of her hormones with her chemical imbalances was more vicious, more intense and more threatening than ever before.
[A person may be taken to a receiving facility for involuntary examination if there is reason to believe that he or she is mentally ill and because of his or her mental illness: (1a) The person has refused voluntary examination after conscientious explanation and disclosure of the purpose of the examination; or
(1b) The person is unable to determine for himself or herself whether examination is necessary; and
(1b) The person is unable to determine for himself or herself whether examination is necessary; and
(2a) Without care or treatment, the person is likely to suffer from neglect or refuse to care for himself or herself; such neglect or refusal poses a real and present threat of substantial harm to his or her well-being; and it is not apparent that such harm may be avoided through the help of willing family members or friends or the provision of other services; or
(2b) There is a substantial likelihood that without care or treatment the person will cause serious bodily harm to himself or herself or others in the near future, as evidenced by recent behavior.
(2b) There is a substantial likelihood that without care or treatment the person will cause serious bodily harm to himself or herself or others in the near future, as evidenced by recent behavior.
The Baker Act was considered by many persons around the country as landmark
legislation at the time of its enactment. The movement to deinstitutionalize
persons from large mental hospitals back to their home communities became
prominent since the 1970’s and many newer psychiatric medications have made
it possible for persons to avoid or reduce the need for long-term hospitalization.
Since the passage of the Act, the rights of individuals to live freely and without
the same degree of deprivation of liberty has been more accepted by the public.
The Baker Act has been continuously revised to recognize these trends and to
protect the rights of persons with mental illnesses.]
**History of the Baker Act – It’s Development and Intent
State of Florida Department of Children and Families Mental Health Program Office
Florida’s Baker Act Website – May 2002 http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/programs/samh/MentalHealth/laws/histba.pdf
###
When we were finally permitted to see her, she looked so pale and so thin. I couldn't contain my emotion and I just hugged her and kissed her forehead. I whispered in her ear just as I had done so often before when she was a baby, a toddler, a young child..."I love you my sweet girl." The therapist assigned to her case sat stoic..her eyes almost appeared to be accusing me of something. Lynn showed no emotion. She sat down and fixed her gaze on me..just as stoic. I don't know what to feel..do I feel sorry for myself that once again I am rejected by this daughter? Do I feel sorry for her that she lacks any empathy at all for the pain she exacts on me so surgically? Do I feel ashamed that in some way..many ways, I must've failed as her mother? Helpless, self loathing..pitiful and unworthy. These are the feelings that circle around in my own psyche.
Could I have possibly read up more on anything, everything that could be at play here to help her..to help me help her? All the years of therapy, the many, many different doctors, social workers, teachers, family, friends, residential treatment schools. All the university scientific position papers, studies..and countless hours deep in prayer...no answers...only more questions...
The psychiatrist at the mental health hospital where Lynn resided called me and my husband in for a meeting. He told us that nothing out of her mouth was the truth at this time. She was living in some wild fantasy and that she had, "...built a castle in the sky and she has bought it and moved into it." He further told us that she was surrounded by people who were influencing her in very bad ways. That he said with the path she was on, that she would more than likely be in jail or dead within two months. There are few words that are more terrifying to a mother. Devastatingly scared, I was determined to do everything I had to do to save her. Even if it meant sacrificing myself in the process.
Lynn's behavior continued to become more erratic. Her attitude more defiant. She began to have ideas that she never expressed before. Ideas like that she didn't need or even want her family anymore.
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