A Delicate Bond

I have heard it from more than one source. I have an uncanny bond with Lynn. (Don't mistake my words. My younger daughter and I also are very close and very affectionate with each other.) But it is different with Lynn. It has never been really affectionate..from a very early age...months old, not even walking yet, Lynn would bristle at affection. She would literally push me from her as I was holding her. As she grew, she would not give hugs and would pull away from the attempts at affection; a hug or a kiss. Yes, I would still kiss her..I would sneak into her bedroom at night while she slept and cover her forehead with kisses, smooth her hair with my hand and whisper a tiny, "I love you, beautiful child."

Then she grew some more, and the storms of her illness became wild and fraught with intesity. I locked into her mind. Perhaps in an oh, so desperate intent to understand her, to help her..to love her more despite my own feelings of angst. I could engage into her and sense her emotions, what was traveling through her mind at light speed. I could feel it more than see it. Here it comes, an "episode" as we call them. This one is an angry one. She is 11 years old and I pick her up from school. She fixes her icy glaze on me and the fury begins.

I anticipate her every action, word or deed even before she does. What is this connection? I know that mother's have a very special bond with their children, especially their daughters or so I've heard. I can only speak from the experience of being a mother of daughters as I have no sons. This connection is almost psychic; astral. It comes from my core. I can feel it. I don't think it goes both ways, or she hasn't revealed as such. I can sense what she senses. Maybe she does...sometimes it seems we are halves of the same person...not that she is me, rather that she is half me and half her and I am half her and half me. I understand her in a way that is not possible for anyone else to understand. I know when the tide of an episode...manic or depressive, begins to advance on her mind. I see it in her eyes...I can feel it in my bones. I know it before she or anyone else does. I am not always proud about how I handle it. I get angry. NO!!! "Lynn, what is wrong with you!? What happened? Did something happen today at school? Since you've been home?" "No mom", she says, "No, nothing is wrong with me, nothing happened." No, of course nothing happened. It is never what happened. It is ALWAYS, what happened after. My anger, while it seems is directed at her, it is aimed for the darkness that swells within her. Get away from my beautiful, sweet daughter! Where are her pills?! "Lynn, did you take your pill last night? Have you skipped any nights? Did you intend to take it but then layed it down somewhere like you did last week? Remember, it MUST be consistently in your system to work properly." When the meds are consistent, I have a beautiful, happy, healthy, well-adjusted daughter. When they are not, the darkness takes over.

Falling...figuratively and LITERALLY!!!

I fell down the full flight of stairs at my home Friday, February 8th. Yes, I fell..face first, down 16 steps. Maybe more like flew down. Day 2 of Lynn's return home..permanently from boarding school. I had a business appointment that morning. Amy, my younger child had a holiday from school. Therefore, both girls were home. Amy was right there, at her computer nook near the top of the stairs when it happened. I stepped out from the top step and lost my footing. In an instant I knew this would be really bad. I flung the laundry and cell phone I was carrying out of my hands and reached forward for the stair rails catching myself. However, the momentum had begun (you physics experts out there can explain this one). Forward I went, sliding with ONE hand (my right one) on the hand rail. I hit my left elbow, knee and chin on the lower steps. Amazingly, nothing was broken, including on my body. And thank God-I did not hit my head. Lynn was on the phone at the time speaking with her dorm mother about a few items she left behind and wanted to retrieve on her return Sunday to clear out her dorm room. Lynn heard the commotion, looked down and replied in a very non-chalant manner, "oh, my mother just fell down the stairs." Then she went into her bedroom and continued her conversation with her dorm mother. Amy, my very sensitive momma's girl, saw the whole thing happen, screamed and flew into her bedroom - where she would remain for the next hour - slamming the door, sobbing uncontrollably. BOTH of my girls are now in their rooms, and I am on the floor at the bottom of the stairs conducting a quick assesment of my condition. No permanent damage and I am about to be late for my appointment...so out the door I run!

Drama!!! Yes, I couldn't make this stuff up. I think I was in shock a little for a few hours because I couldn't stop giggling about it and my husband and my mother saw nothing funny at all about it. In fact I was laughing so hard I was tearing up...shock? Anyway, I was very sore the next several days on my right side where I grabbed the handrail and I think I may have bruised the bone on my lower left chin. This was the area that took the brunt of the fall. Otherwise, I am very lucky I didn't do more damage. **Next house...NO STAIRS!!!**

She's baaaack....

Yes, that's right. Lynn was going to flunk her freshman year if I didn't do something soon. The boarding school would keep her, but then they were more interested in their budget than the well being of my child...at least that is my opinion. I know they are in the business of young lives, but let's face it; it is a business. So, the best thing for Lynn for now was to bring her back home and enroll her in the local public high school. There she could play a little catch up and under my watchful eye. She will still need to attend summer school for 2 classes to pass her freshman year. I mandated several conditions to her return home. She must follow a schedule including time for chores, time for homework and time for social. Her computer usage was limited and I have her laptop installed at the kitchen table where I monitor everything she does with it. Additionally, when she talks on the phone, mostly to her boyfriend, Daniel, she is at the kitchen table where I monitor that conversation as well. She has been home for 4 weeks now. She has only had 2 "episodes". These involved unreasonable anger. They blew over in 24 hours and she returns to her sweet self. She continues to struggle with school. Since it is so late in year, she is unable to participate in any clubs or extracurricular. I will need to look for something outside the school for her. Let's visit the angry episodes for a moment; they come on without warning, not instigated by anything unusual and nothing can be said to her at all. She is totally unreasonable and irrational. No matter my state of mind or attitude, it is no affect and no measure to counter balance the seething anger she exacts on me. These times always call up the time she stated, "I feel angry and I won't stop until everyone around me feels the same."

More to follow in the next few weeks....

And what a difference a day makes….or in this case 24 days!

That is how long Lynn has been back to school. She is like a different child. Mature, balanced. Where did this come from?! It’s as if a switch went on in her head. Is this the Bipolar? A new phase to travel on this journey? I have prayed for this for most all her life. I have prayed that one day I would have that beautiful person I know she is..that I would have her back. And here she is! Since she has been back to school her grades are ALL up to As and Bs, well, all that is except for Spanish which she has a C in. But a high C. I told her I’LL TAKE THAT C!!! That’s great! That’s super because I know how hard she is trying! I know because I can feel it in my soul. I can feel it in that instant of a connection when I hear her teenage girl voice. Nothing has changed with her meds..Nothing at all! Not even the time of day she takes them! She has had one or two little tiffs with girls in her dorm but that is just teenage girl stuff..you know, those dreaded “girl wars” at this age. ((giggle)) She is such a delight to speak with on the phone. She calls me every day and she is always bright. I can hear the joy in her voice. Today, she is off to South Carolina for a swim meet. (She is a swim team manager. – She loves that too.) She is getting the extra help she needs for her Spanish class to bring that grade up and also for her Physics class to keep that grade up.

What is the lesson here? I am selfish because I know, these lessons are for me. There is some greater plan, someone is navigating unchartered waters and if I just give in to that plan and stop the struggle it will all become clear. It is said we live our lives for our children. This child has given me my life in ways she could never know.

A Series of Disasters...bring on the Xanax and a one-way ticket to an unknown, obscure island...

Where do I begin? I realized I had had enough when I couldn’t breathe…come on!!! BREATHE!!! Just one good breath…feeling dizzy, shaky, I have the feeling I want to scream!!! I want to run away, hide, I can’t take all of this…BREATHE!!! I can’t take a breath…pressure on my chest…I feel like coughing, dizzy.

Twice Thursday, January 3rd – I suffered full scale panic attacks.. Lynn was mixed up with a drug pusher at the local high school and a teenage convict in another state…these two teenagers (Lynn and her boyfriend, Daniel) won’t tell me what is going on. Lynn is shaky and in tears..she is at the therapist office..she told him a little about what is going on but not much. Lynn begged me to take her to see Daniel. Something about apologizing and she needed to see him in person. I couldn’t do it..I had commitments to others and appointments to make. She threatened to walk to his home 4 miles away and down a very busy street. I still didn’t take her…I had to honor MY commitments…I can’t let someone else down, miss an appointment because of her compulsivity. Breathe…the room is getting fuzzy and dim..I am sitting – I put my head back and all is quiet, dark and still - I am out…back in seconds – I catch my breath. I am out the door to my next commitment…two little girls attending a winter break camp. (My younger daughter and her friend.)

Lynn is failing out of her college prep boarding school. She has NEVER failed a class…never had anything less than a B+ on a report card – even a progress report! Why? Is high school that challenging? She is highly intelligent. She is perfectly capable of the completing work and effectively at that. I have spoken with her teachers…they say it is difficult to engage her in class. Her teachers report that even her class mates attempt to bring her back into focus during class. Frustration. I put so much effort, love, attention into this child. I am scared for her future; I am scared for her present! Why is she failing so completely?! What has changed in her life? Oh, the answer would come…the answer…Lynn is clinically obsessive compulsive. Should I be happy that her obsessions are seemingly innocent? She has been obsessed with food, she has been obsessed with counting rituals, and she has been obsessive in nail biting and biting at the skin on her fingers...and there have been other obsessions… Lynn’s current obsession: her cell phone. To the outside world this is just a typical teenager who loves to talk on the phone and send text messages right? That is what the friends and family say to me. Remember, Lynn is not typical. Lynn is Bipolar. She also is clinically obsessive compulsive and she is sociopathic. Put this together and it is a recipe for some serious consequences. Lynn’s text message bill was more than 1,000 pages. She sends on average 3 text messages per minute from 6:00am till midnight….

I later learn what it was that Lynn and Daniel weren't telling me. That a boy from Lynn's previous school and the one that Daniel currently attends has been contacting Lynn through text messages. His messages are vulgar and contain lewd pictures of himself. Lynn and Daniel were trying to handle it on their own. Eric, Lynn's father stepped in and paid a visit to this boy's home and spoke with his parents. We hope this is finally the last we will hear from this boy. The drama that ocurred between Lynn and Daniel was that Lynn became fascinated with this lewd boy and began engaging in a dialogue with him. This angered (obviously) her boyfriend, Daniel as he told her that this other boy was a bad kid and she should stay away from him. Daniel was so upset that Lynn would continue to speak with this other boy and almost broke up with Lynn over it. Thus the tears and anxiety from Lynn during her therapy session. Is she learning? She can only comprehend the immediate; the present. She doesn't comprehend the consequence or the affect of her actions. Together with her therapist we are trying to show her in a loving and non-threatening way how to recognize and evaluate her actions. The concept is so simple. Most people get it at a rather young age. This is Lynn's handicapp. This is how we try to deal with it. As her mother, I worry for her future relationships; family, career, etc..

Drama! So much drama when Lynn is home. Fast forward three weeks. Lynn has now been back at school for three weeks. It seems like such a short time, yet also so long. I miss her. Yes, you heard me right. She is my beautiful first born daughter and I love her. I miss her presence. I dream about her at night; that she is growing up and slipping away from me. When Lynn is home it is high frequency tension. But in some small, little way, it is also comforting to have her here…to have the family unit together in completion.

The drama of the holidays with Lynn at home…the consequence of her actions were to remove her laptop and to cut off her texting/pic messaging, etc. from her phone. Now she can only use her phone to make and receive voice calls…(old fashioned huh?). Almost immediately after losing her text messaging privileges; and I mean within mere minutes, Lynn was calm and content. Not even seeming to miss her text messaging privileges she was on to the next thing…seeing her boyfriend and packing for returning to school.

Lynn returned to her boarding school and was instantly happy and content. She dug right into the second half of the school year with the passion and drive I have seen in her before. Since returning, Lynn’s grades are all up in the A-B range. The class she failed last semester, she now has an A. She had one incident with another child in her dorm. However, after speaking with the dorm mother who spoke with both girls..it seemed that it was not at all something Lynn instigated. And furthermore, Lynn had many girls on her side defending her in the dispute – which was just a verbal girl fight that they do at this age. It still hurts my heart that these things happen, however, I must also remind myself that this is one of the reasons I have her there…to learn a life lesson about how to handle herself properly in these types of situations. She wouldn’t get this at home…just conflicts with her family which wouldn’t teach her anything about conflicts with her peers.

Lynn will come home in two weeks for winter break. I am looking forward to her visit.