Whew!!! That about sums it up...Lynn has been home for two weeks now and it has been quite a roller coaster of emotions. She was happy to be home...yet very demanding right from the start. She came home on a rainy Thursday morning...immediately she dumped her bags all over her room-the chaos began. For the next two days, Lynn woke up in her dark fog. Then on Sunday, she was happy, sweet and helpful to all of the family all day.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
More Journal Excerpts...
More unedited journal content. I struggle to make sense of what is happening. I am looking for answers, information. I am searching for an expert or even another family who can relate. Many times I am told by people I thought were my friends and even from my own family that it is me with the problems...it's me; not [Lynn]. So often I believe that. I buy into what they say. I feel I have failed as a mother and sometimes even as a wife. I start to give up but my faith in God gets me through. His mercy and His eternal promise gives me so much hope...I have spent countless hours in therapy myself only to learn that there are no answers for me just more questions. According to my therapist I am "healthy"...my own anxiety is "situational." Therapy helps me understand [Lynn]. It helps me understand myself and it helps me to be the mother she needs me to be.
June 1, 2005:
[Lynn's] moods swing from a normal state, to mania and extreme excitement to angry, agitated and frustrated. She will ask your opinion about something and then argue both sides contradicting herself.
She expresses anger by huffing and puffing. She will fidget with her body wildly and very theatrically. She will speak her mind with no concern for consequence. She then pierces you with an icy glare.
[Lynn] is very bright. She is obsessively, compulsively motivated. To the point of exhausting those around her. If [Lynn] has a school project to do, no one will hear the end of it until it is complete and done so to perfection.
Self Esteem:
[Lynn] gives off an attitude that she is in control; however, she really suffers from poor self esteem. It bothers her that she has difficulty maintaining friends.
The next several weeks were spent searching for a clinical psychologist and psychological assessment centers. I made countless calls...waited on hold; interviewed many professionals over the phone. Once I narrowed the list, I made appointments to interview them in person. I was in search of the best doctor for [Lynn] and for our family. I wanted to know what was involved in a "Formal, Psychological Evaluation" and what is the course for treatment. What are the short-term and what will the long-term prognosis be? How can we help her now and how can we prepare for the future?
During this time; we found a very experienced, caring psychologist who continues to follow her care and treatment. We also were able to rule out several options. We learned much and we also learned how much we don't know. We found a new psychiatrist and therapist. (We moved from Florida to Georgia during the Summer of 2005.) We then began the long search for a school for [Lynn].
June 1, 2005:
[Lynn's] moods swing from a normal state, to mania and extreme excitement to angry, agitated and frustrated. She will ask your opinion about something and then argue both sides contradicting herself.
She expresses anger by huffing and puffing. She will fidget with her body wildly and very theatrically. She will speak her mind with no concern for consequence. She then pierces you with an icy glare.
[Lynn] is very bright. She is obsessively, compulsively motivated. To the point of exhausting those around her. If [Lynn] has a school project to do, no one will hear the end of it until it is complete and done so to perfection.
Self Esteem:
[Lynn] gives off an attitude that she is in control; however, she really suffers from poor self esteem. It bothers her that she has difficulty maintaining friends.
The next several weeks were spent searching for a clinical psychologist and psychological assessment centers. I made countless calls...waited on hold; interviewed many professionals over the phone. Once I narrowed the list, I made appointments to interview them in person. I was in search of the best doctor for [Lynn] and for our family. I wanted to know what was involved in a "Formal, Psychological Evaluation" and what is the course for treatment. What are the short-term and what will the long-term prognosis be? How can we help her now and how can we prepare for the future?
During this time; we found a very experienced, caring psychologist who continues to follow her care and treatment. We also were able to rule out several options. We learned much and we also learned how much we don't know. We found a new psychiatrist and therapist. (We moved from Florida to Georgia during the Summer of 2005.) We then began the long search for a school for [Lynn].
Excerpts from my journals...
The following post is taken straight from my journals. The information is unedited.
Monday, March 21, 2005:
"Many days I wonder, How will I survive the roller coaster of raising my BP child? It is exhausting and triggers anxiety and compulsive behavior in ME! I find myself agitated and nervously trying to make things "right".
It is gut wrenching to find myself in battle with her - of course even the most gentle persuasion is a nuclear attack to her! And to find my younger child, (my 5-yr old daughter) quietly weeping after listening to the explosion sometimes most of the day - "Lynn is in trouble...again."
Note to self in journal: "Mention to [Lynn's therapist] that she is writing things in her journals that are angry and disturbing. She hates herself..she says she thinks she is 'crazy', 'sicko' and should be sent to a place for 'dumb people'. She gives an outward appearance of everything being "ok" to you [her therapist], her teachers - I know better...I can see that she is tormented inside. Will Lynn need to be hospitalized to aggressively manage her meds? To stabilize her? I am so torn...I am so afraid. I want to help her..heal her...love her. Where are the answers?
Depakote: Begin with one at night at dinner time; for 3 nights, then 1 in the morning and then 1 at night...with meals...a little nausea.
Monday, March 21, 2005:
[Lynn] awoke immediate and anxious. She was frantically looking for a denim jacket...found. Then her wallet...found after hyper vetillating and tears. She was agitated, irritable and frustrated with her 5-yr-old sister. She did not eat well today. Mostly carbs and diet soft drinks...I am having a hard time controlling the amount of soft drinks she consumes...cannot catch her in the act. She had a friend from school over and she was bossy and pushy with her. She ended the day calm and tired.
Psychiatrist appt:
Should we evaluate the Adderall she is taking as it might be affecting her anxiety problems?
Tuesday, March 22, 2005:
Again, [Lynn] awoke agitated. She had that evil, glassy stare in her eyes. And is angry with me for trying to talk with her about her feelings. Now there is exposive anger and tears...tears from her, from me..and from the little sister.
Thursday, March 24, 2005:
The reward system of discipline is meaningless to [Lynn]. Behavioral modification does not work. We have tried everything! Her behavior cannot be controlled until her medication is right. Her behavior is biological such as any other biological urge.
April 5, 2005:
Begin mood charting; 1-10 scale - Calm - highly anxious.
April 12, 2005:
Pediatric Neurologist appt:
Brain scan...looking at brain wave patterns...Dr. recommendations for anxiety; splash your face with water, use music, butterfly pat yourself with arms crossed over chest. Brain scan results in one week.
Psychological evaluation recommended; will insurance pay? Test I.Q. No, insurance will not pay...tests will run in the thousands.
Monday, March 21, 2005:
"Many days I wonder, How will I survive the roller coaster of raising my BP child? It is exhausting and triggers anxiety and compulsive behavior in ME! I find myself agitated and nervously trying to make things "right".
It is gut wrenching to find myself in battle with her - of course even the most gentle persuasion is a nuclear attack to her! And to find my younger child, (my 5-yr old daughter) quietly weeping after listening to the explosion sometimes most of the day - "Lynn is in trouble...again."
Note to self in journal: "Mention to [Lynn's therapist] that she is writing things in her journals that are angry and disturbing. She hates herself..she says she thinks she is 'crazy', 'sicko' and should be sent to a place for 'dumb people'. She gives an outward appearance of everything being "ok" to you [her therapist], her teachers - I know better...I can see that she is tormented inside. Will Lynn need to be hospitalized to aggressively manage her meds? To stabilize her? I am so torn...I am so afraid. I want to help her..heal her...love her. Where are the answers?
Depakote: Begin with one at night at dinner time; for 3 nights, then 1 in the morning and then 1 at night...with meals...a little nausea.
Monday, March 21, 2005:
[Lynn] awoke immediate and anxious. She was frantically looking for a denim jacket...found. Then her wallet...found after hyper vetillating and tears. She was agitated, irritable and frustrated with her 5-yr-old sister. She did not eat well today. Mostly carbs and diet soft drinks...I am having a hard time controlling the amount of soft drinks she consumes...cannot catch her in the act. She had a friend from school over and she was bossy and pushy with her. She ended the day calm and tired.
Psychiatrist appt:
Should we evaluate the Adderall she is taking as it might be affecting her anxiety problems?
Tuesday, March 22, 2005:
Again, [Lynn] awoke agitated. She had that evil, glassy stare in her eyes. And is angry with me for trying to talk with her about her feelings. Now there is exposive anger and tears...tears from her, from me..and from the little sister.
Thursday, March 24, 2005:
The reward system of discipline is meaningless to [Lynn]. Behavioral modification does not work. We have tried everything! Her behavior cannot be controlled until her medication is right. Her behavior is biological such as any other biological urge.
April 5, 2005:
Begin mood charting; 1-10 scale - Calm - highly anxious.
April 12, 2005:
Pediatric Neurologist appt:
Brain scan...looking at brain wave patterns...Dr. recommendations for anxiety; splash your face with water, use music, butterfly pat yourself with arms crossed over chest. Brain scan results in one week.
Psychological evaluation recommended; will insurance pay? Test I.Q. No, insurance will not pay...tests will run in the thousands.
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