A Delicate Bond

I have heard it from more than one source. I have an uncanny bond with Lynn. (Don't mistake my words. My younger daughter and I also are very close and very affectionate with each other.) But it is different with Lynn. It has never been really affectionate..from a very early age...months old, not even walking yet, Lynn would bristle at affection. She would literally push me from her as I was holding her. As she grew, she would not give hugs and would pull away from the attempts at affection; a hug or a kiss. Yes, I would still kiss her..I would sneak into her bedroom at night while she slept and cover her forehead with kisses, smooth her hair with my hand and whisper a tiny, "I love you, beautiful child."

Then she grew some more, and the storms of her illness became wild and fraught with intesity. I locked into her mind. Perhaps in an oh, so desperate intent to understand her, to help her..to love her more despite my own feelings of angst. I could engage into her and sense her emotions, what was traveling through her mind at light speed. I could feel it more than see it. Here it comes, an "episode" as we call them. This one is an angry one. She is 11 years old and I pick her up from school. She fixes her icy glaze on me and the fury begins.

I anticipate her every action, word or deed even before she does. What is this connection? I know that mother's have a very special bond with their children, especially their daughters or so I've heard. I can only speak from the experience of being a mother of daughters as I have no sons. This connection is almost psychic; astral. It comes from my core. I can feel it. I don't think it goes both ways, or she hasn't revealed as such. I can sense what she senses. Maybe she does...sometimes it seems we are halves of the same person...not that she is me, rather that she is half me and half her and I am half her and half me. I understand her in a way that is not possible for anyone else to understand. I know when the tide of an episode...manic or depressive, begins to advance on her mind. I see it in her eyes...I can feel it in my bones. I know it before she or anyone else does. I am not always proud about how I handle it. I get angry. NO!!! "Lynn, what is wrong with you!? What happened? Did something happen today at school? Since you've been home?" "No mom", she says, "No, nothing is wrong with me, nothing happened." No, of course nothing happened. It is never what happened. It is ALWAYS, what happened after. My anger, while it seems is directed at her, it is aimed for the darkness that swells within her. Get away from my beautiful, sweet daughter! Where are her pills?! "Lynn, did you take your pill last night? Have you skipped any nights? Did you intend to take it but then layed it down somewhere like you did last week? Remember, it MUST be consistently in your system to work properly." When the meds are consistent, I have a beautiful, happy, healthy, well-adjusted daughter. When they are not, the darkness takes over.

Falling...figuratively and LITERALLY!!!

I fell down the full flight of stairs at my home Friday, February 8th. Yes, I fell..face first, down 16 steps. Maybe more like flew down. Day 2 of Lynn's return home..permanently from boarding school. I had a business appointment that morning. Amy, my younger child had a holiday from school. Therefore, both girls were home. Amy was right there, at her computer nook near the top of the stairs when it happened. I stepped out from the top step and lost my footing. In an instant I knew this would be really bad. I flung the laundry and cell phone I was carrying out of my hands and reached forward for the stair rails catching myself. However, the momentum had begun (you physics experts out there can explain this one). Forward I went, sliding with ONE hand (my right one) on the hand rail. I hit my left elbow, knee and chin on the lower steps. Amazingly, nothing was broken, including on my body. And thank God-I did not hit my head. Lynn was on the phone at the time speaking with her dorm mother about a few items she left behind and wanted to retrieve on her return Sunday to clear out her dorm room. Lynn heard the commotion, looked down and replied in a very non-chalant manner, "oh, my mother just fell down the stairs." Then she went into her bedroom and continued her conversation with her dorm mother. Amy, my very sensitive momma's girl, saw the whole thing happen, screamed and flew into her bedroom - where she would remain for the next hour - slamming the door, sobbing uncontrollably. BOTH of my girls are now in their rooms, and I am on the floor at the bottom of the stairs conducting a quick assesment of my condition. No permanent damage and I am about to be late for my appointment...so out the door I run!

Drama!!! Yes, I couldn't make this stuff up. I think I was in shock a little for a few hours because I couldn't stop giggling about it and my husband and my mother saw nothing funny at all about it. In fact I was laughing so hard I was tearing up...shock? Anyway, I was very sore the next several days on my right side where I grabbed the handrail and I think I may have bruised the bone on my lower left chin. This was the area that took the brunt of the fall. Otherwise, I am very lucky I didn't do more damage. **Next house...NO STAIRS!!!**

She's baaaack....

Yes, that's right. Lynn was going to flunk her freshman year if I didn't do something soon. The boarding school would keep her, but then they were more interested in their budget than the well being of my child...at least that is my opinion. I know they are in the business of young lives, but let's face it; it is a business. So, the best thing for Lynn for now was to bring her back home and enroll her in the local public high school. There she could play a little catch up and under my watchful eye. She will still need to attend summer school for 2 classes to pass her freshman year. I mandated several conditions to her return home. She must follow a schedule including time for chores, time for homework and time for social. Her computer usage was limited and I have her laptop installed at the kitchen table where I monitor everything she does with it. Additionally, when she talks on the phone, mostly to her boyfriend, Daniel, she is at the kitchen table where I monitor that conversation as well. She has been home for 4 weeks now. She has only had 2 "episodes". These involved unreasonable anger. They blew over in 24 hours and she returns to her sweet self. She continues to struggle with school. Since it is so late in year, she is unable to participate in any clubs or extracurricular. I will need to look for something outside the school for her. Let's visit the angry episodes for a moment; they come on without warning, not instigated by anything unusual and nothing can be said to her at all. She is totally unreasonable and irrational. No matter my state of mind or attitude, it is no affect and no measure to counter balance the seething anger she exacts on me. These times always call up the time she stated, "I feel angry and I won't stop until everyone around me feels the same."

More to follow in the next few weeks....