Today I am sooo happy! I guess I feel a little stupid too.. :) Happy because we started Lynn on a new medication a few days ago. Stupid because it seems that this was EXACTLY what she was missing!! Why didn't I do something sooner? Why did I allow her to suffer like she has this year with relationships...particularly in her dorm? She now is taking Abilify in addition to Depakote and Adderall. Her psychiatrist told me that Abilify is a "wonder" drug that has really been a very good thing for all of his Bipolar patients. He has yet to have a single complaint about it! We went up for the performing arts festival at Lynn's boarding school this past weekend. She goes to a top college prep boarding school situated in the southern Appalachian mountains...do I need to tell you just how spectacularly gorgeous it is up there?! What an absolutely beautiful weekend..we even drove into Highlands, NC. If you have a moment, you must google "Highlands, NC" it is a feast for the eyes! Back to Lynn. She began taking Abilify on Saturday, after serious protest. She did not want to take another and I will quote her: "psycho drug!". When I am faced with her very stubborn and dominant personality, I know I need to be as factual and matter-of-fact as I can be. This has taken YEARS of practice because I am very sensitive and emotional. I have had to learn to remove my emotions when dealing with Lynn and give her logic, facts and simple choices. I did just that and she quickly acquiesced.
We (my husband and I) arrived at Lynn's school with her little sister and her friend from home. It was Lynn's 14th birthday this weekend. I can't believe she is already 14 and starting high school next year! We brought her a cake and celebrated. We took her out to dinner at the restaurant of her choosing..(a chinese buffet..in a very small mountain town..need I say more? - not much to choose from in the immediate vicinity of her school.) Then we went to her school's performing arts festival. This festival consists of many very talented high school kids. WOW!!! What an amazing show! These kids did everything from sing, put on comedy skits, and a little bit of Cirque performing too! The highlight of the show was a group of five Korean boys who performed an amazingly choreographed break dance routine with back flips too!!! I highly recommend the show. They have been holding it for more than 10 years now and people come from all over to see it. Hopefully Lynn will be in it next year!
Lynn sent me an email today that said the following: "
"im gonna go tan today before i start outdoor club tomorrow.
may i have my cell phone today?
i am noticing dramatic changes in my behavior, and i really think that the new meds are helping me a lot.
can we give it a try at least?
please email my dorm parent if its ok with you.."
Absolutely!!! What a sweet and wonderful email! She is so humble in this email. How could I resist! I want to just reward her for being so positive about the new medication. What a delightful young lady!
She normally doesn't get her cell phone til after 9pm because with Verizon, our cell phone company, the minutes used after 9pm during the week are free. Lynn has not once, not twice, but three times and more in the past run up very large cell phone bills. I am talking close to $1,000 in one month alone.
In just the short few days Lynn has been taking Abilify, I have also noticed a dramatic change in her. That sweet side that she has? The one I have mentioned in my earlier posts? It is now there much more consistently. But the most important thing?!!! SHE is happier. Lynn has a hard time understanding all that goes on within her. But she does understand how people react to her - good and bad. She has noticed that she is having a much easier time with her relationships. I hope beyond all hope that this only gets better. That Lynn finally sees, feels and experiences all her wonderful qualities in this new, much healthier light. Thank you!!! Thank you!!! Thank you medical science! Please don't stop researching all that we can to better understand this condition. These children deserve our dedication and support! Lynn is a charming, beautiful and very intelligent young lady. Her teachers and faculty members all have said they are better off for having known her...WOW! I am not worthy to be her mother.
My beautiful daughter, Lynn - MY SOUL IS INCOMPLETE WITHOUT YOU - MY LOVE FOR YOU IS ETERNAL.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Medications, doctors and therapists...
Lynn is attending a boarding school this year. Hopefully she will return to this school next year as it has been a good experience for her...not "ideal" but it has certainly been the right thing for her. Lynn is extremely intelligent. She thrives in a very academic environment. She has difficulty relating to her peers. This year has been a trial in dealing with her peers. She has been somewhat unsuccessful with her fellow classmates. She has had repeated conflicts with male and female classmates. She has had two roommates ask to be removed from rooming with her. And that was all in the first term! Also, two dorm mothers have left although I can't blame that entirely on Lynn. Both dorm mothers have left offering advice about "what to do about Lynn" such as changing her medication, etc.
During the week leading up to Lynn's spring break, she went into fits of mania. She argued with her dorm mother and the prefect (a senior girl who has earned the special priviledge of living in the middle school girl dorm and supervising and directing them on their daily tasks) ultimately Lynn was put on "room restriction". She always had to have the last word mumbling just loud enough for them to hear the cutting remarks back to their direction. When put on "room restriction"..and mind you, she doesn't have a roommate because none of the other girls want to be in the same room with her, she went into her room and logged onto her Myspace account on her laptop and turned her music up on her stereo full blast. The dorm prefect calmly went into her room and removed her stereo and laptop.
Upon retrieving Lynn from school for spring break, the dorm mother and the dorm prefect proceeded to give me quite an earful about her antics.
During spring break, Lynn was fine for the most part...until the last day..she woke up and I immediately saw the dark cloud that decends upon my precious Lynn when she is entering what we know as a manic episode...it is a combination of mania and depression..gone is the sweet smiling face..gone is the youthful excitement for life and all the day holds. It starts with the dark expression, the slumped stature, the icy glare, the angry words..nothing pleases her, nothing is right..no reasoning one side or the other...everything is wrong and the world is her enemy. She is angry and she wants everyone around her to be angry...these are her words: "I feel anger. What you say and do makes me angry and I won't stop with my words and actions until everyone around me is also angry."
New medications: I worry, I HATE that she has to take any medications at all...I hate to think of what is doing to her body...I fear what she would be like if she wasn't taking these medications. She has already had very serious side effects to two of the medications we have tried her on. She didn't will this to happen to her..she didn't do something to bring it on. She can't help it but it is her reality and she must learn to understand it and live with it. I spoke with her clinical psychologist yesterday..I was worried for Lynn's future, she turns 14 on Saturday. I worry that I only have 4 years to help her before she is an adult and refuses the help. Her psychologist explained to me that with the current medications available Lynn should not have to suffer through manic "episodes". He further explained that we should manage her medication "aggressively" until we find the right combination for her. Lynn has the right to know life as a normal, function young lady. She has the right to be stable enough to make and KEEP friends. She has the right to live her life in this stability. She is a beautiful young lady with so much potential. Lynn is intelligent and she has a mind of her own. With the right combination of medications and regular therapy, Lynn is capable of so much.
As her mother, I spend many days in angst. Why?! Why Lynn?! I love her from the depths of my soul. I anguish over the medications, over her struggles...she takes her worst out on me..it is so hard sometimes to have the charity of heart to hang in here with her yet I love her so deeply I cannot for a minute let go because I know her vulnerabilities...the worry, the fears..I want to protect her but I want her to experience all that life has to offer her. She is so strong-willed, so independent yet so, so vulnerable. She is still a child and still so emotionally immature.
I pray the new medication does it's job without causing her any harm..time will tell...if this one doesn't help her..there is always another medication, and another possible side effect...
During the week leading up to Lynn's spring break, she went into fits of mania. She argued with her dorm mother and the prefect (a senior girl who has earned the special priviledge of living in the middle school girl dorm and supervising and directing them on their daily tasks) ultimately Lynn was put on "room restriction". She always had to have the last word mumbling just loud enough for them to hear the cutting remarks back to their direction. When put on "room restriction"..and mind you, she doesn't have a roommate because none of the other girls want to be in the same room with her, she went into her room and logged onto her Myspace account on her laptop and turned her music up on her stereo full blast. The dorm prefect calmly went into her room and removed her stereo and laptop.
Upon retrieving Lynn from school for spring break, the dorm mother and the dorm prefect proceeded to give me quite an earful about her antics.
During spring break, Lynn was fine for the most part...until the last day..she woke up and I immediately saw the dark cloud that decends upon my precious Lynn when she is entering what we know as a manic episode...it is a combination of mania and depression..gone is the sweet smiling face..gone is the youthful excitement for life and all the day holds. It starts with the dark expression, the slumped stature, the icy glare, the angry words..nothing pleases her, nothing is right..no reasoning one side or the other...everything is wrong and the world is her enemy. She is angry and she wants everyone around her to be angry...these are her words: "I feel anger. What you say and do makes me angry and I won't stop with my words and actions until everyone around me is also angry."
New medications: I worry, I HATE that she has to take any medications at all...I hate to think of what is doing to her body...I fear what she would be like if she wasn't taking these medications. She has already had very serious side effects to two of the medications we have tried her on. She didn't will this to happen to her..she didn't do something to bring it on. She can't help it but it is her reality and she must learn to understand it and live with it. I spoke with her clinical psychologist yesterday..I was worried for Lynn's future, she turns 14 on Saturday. I worry that I only have 4 years to help her before she is an adult and refuses the help. Her psychologist explained to me that with the current medications available Lynn should not have to suffer through manic "episodes". He further explained that we should manage her medication "aggressively" until we find the right combination for her. Lynn has the right to know life as a normal, function young lady. She has the right to be stable enough to make and KEEP friends. She has the right to live her life in this stability. She is a beautiful young lady with so much potential. Lynn is intelligent and she has a mind of her own. With the right combination of medications and regular therapy, Lynn is capable of so much.
As her mother, I spend many days in angst. Why?! Why Lynn?! I love her from the depths of my soul. I anguish over the medications, over her struggles...she takes her worst out on me..it is so hard sometimes to have the charity of heart to hang in here with her yet I love her so deeply I cannot for a minute let go because I know her vulnerabilities...the worry, the fears..I want to protect her but I want her to experience all that life has to offer her. She is so strong-willed, so independent yet so, so vulnerable. She is still a child and still so emotionally immature.
I pray the new medication does it's job without causing her any harm..time will tell...if this one doesn't help her..there is always another medication, and another possible side effect...
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The beginning...
I am starting this blog to further chronicle my life as a mother of a beautiful daughter who lives with Bipolar disorder. I have filled journals with the journey that has been her life. Her name is Lynn. Lynn will be 14 years old this month. I will provide a summary of historical information that led us to where we are today.
Lynn is my first born. When she was born, I was a young mother. She delighted me with how articulate she was at such a young age. I had no experience and nothing to compare her to so I assumed she was quite normal. However, when Lynn turned 2, I knew something was different about her. Still, I dismissed any indication that she was anything other than a normal, healthy little girl. After all the pediatrician said she was perfectly healthy and progressing quite normally. The colic was intense and seemed to end at three months of age as abruptly as it began at six weeks of age. At 2 years old, Lynn would dissolve into fits of sheer terror. The slightest irritation or interruption in her schedule would send her into a wild episode. She would scream with such force that she would lose her little voice. She would thrash with such vigor that all I could do was hold her tight to me and gently reassure her. Her eyes would roll back, her small body would tense and then after what seemed to be hours (actually about 15 minutes) she would collapse in exhaustion. And this was all at the tender age of two...the years to follow- myself, my husband and our younger daughter watched helplessly as an evolution of what we understand now as a menu of very serious mental conditions tightened their grasp on our beautiful daughter and sister, Lynn.
Lynn is my first born. When she was born, I was a young mother. She delighted me with how articulate she was at such a young age. I had no experience and nothing to compare her to so I assumed she was quite normal. However, when Lynn turned 2, I knew something was different about her. Still, I dismissed any indication that she was anything other than a normal, healthy little girl. After all the pediatrician said she was perfectly healthy and progressing quite normally. The colic was intense and seemed to end at three months of age as abruptly as it began at six weeks of age. At 2 years old, Lynn would dissolve into fits of sheer terror. The slightest irritation or interruption in her schedule would send her into a wild episode. She would scream with such force that she would lose her little voice. She would thrash with such vigor that all I could do was hold her tight to me and gently reassure her. Her eyes would roll back, her small body would tense and then after what seemed to be hours (actually about 15 minutes) she would collapse in exhaustion. And this was all at the tender age of two...the years to follow- myself, my husband and our younger daughter watched helplessly as an evolution of what we understand now as a menu of very serious mental conditions tightened their grasp on our beautiful daughter and sister, Lynn.
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