I May Be a Train Wreck; But Train Wrecks Always Make The Front Page

My daughter has Bipolar Disorder .. my daughter has Bipolar Disorder but Bipolar Disorder does NOT have my daughter. The years have not been easy, but together, my daughter and I have managed to get on top of this beast and we control it. It no longer controls us.

I really just began to discover this new phenomena. As I have watched this sweet, innocent infant grow into a sweet, inquisitive young child, into a very busy and challenging girl, a defiant teenager and now a gorgeous, vibrant and joyful, young lady. I see this creature, one of pure beauty unfold before my eyes.  Her beauty runs deep.  Lynn is so incredible and so uniquely herself. Not influenced by others. She moves to her own beat and commands so much attention naturally. You can’t encounter her without feeling something, in some way has just happened to you. I cannot even imagine this world without her.

Lynn has a light that emanates from her soul. It has always been there. But never has is presented in the way it now does. Those close to me tell me I did a good job raising her. Ha! If they only knew that I was struggling so hard to fix this..to fix her. I made so many mistakes. But I just kept telling her I love her no matter what. Even when I was so mad I felt like screaming; and often did. I told her I love her from the depths of my soul and there was nothing she could ever do to change that. My love; a mother’s love. Love that always is, never changing and unconditional. Yet, at the same time I felt that her all consuming personality with all it’s demands would surely consume me. So many times I thought/prayed/pleaded, dear God, help us, one of us is going to untimely leave this world. I just feared something tragic would happen to her or to me during one of those really passionate times. Or that an accident would just take one of us at random and all of this business would change. Abruptly. Forever.

Just as a sweet, simple, little sailing boat tossed about by the mighty sea, the moorings coming loose; without warning, Lynn would slip into a state of pure anger with irrational reasonings. Efforts to contain her emotional outbursts when she was two were difficult and so heart wrenching for an inexperienced young mother. When she got a little older it was pure terror.

There seems to be an alternate world I live in. It feels that way. Like I live my life on a different plane of time and space than everyone else. That my loved ones revolve carefully around my psyche. Like an intricate dance of a Shakespearean play. The protagonist was really not Lynn..was it? Was it really me and everyone was involved in this elaborate dance; this cover up to protect the delicate balance of my world? All of the struggles, the therapists, the doctors, the medications, was that all to protect a fragile spirit that was really me? Sometimes, the two of us are so interchangeable that I feel it is all happening to me..for me. It is not something I control yet I’ve learned the dance so well. I know all the correct steps that protagonist and antagonist have now melded into one.

And we are back, in the psychiatrist office, talking with the doctor about how the past few months have been. Mood changes, problems with different relationships.  Explaining how Lynn feels, if there has been any significant change in her behavior.  New prescriptions for refills on the same meds with some  slight changes in dosages.  A check in call with her regular therapist and then back to living life again.

My daughter has Bipolar Disorder and she is a fabulous, loving and inspiring human being.  I am honored, privileged and well, downright lucky to be her mother, the one who raised her, loves her and has her as a very important part of my life.

Weighing in on the Newtown, CT Tragedy

My initial reaction was that of a mother.  A deep sense of loss and sorrow.  My heart breaking for those parents, and families who lost that day.  I can’t begin to imagine the depth of the grief.

My very next reaction was that I wanted to scream from the top of a building.  I wanted so much to be heard.  I use this blog as my forum to state my perspective based on years of experience as a mother raising a child diagnosed with behavioral disorders.

I heard it yet again, innocent comments.  Comments from people in the community that have no way at all to begin to appreciate what it takes to parent a child with behavioral disorders.  These people say things like, “these people just need more discipline.  They need a strong parent who will be stern with them.”  I just cringe, this is such an innocent statement, especially coming from someone who really just has no idea.  It is much, much more complicated than that.  When you are parenting a child who is unaffected by any and all forms of discipline, no amount of “sternness” or “strong parenting” will be successful.  You must enlist the help of trained mental health professionals.  Then begin the years of tireless and repetitive interaction in a very specific way with that child.  No stern voice, no amount of “time out”, no consequence is going to affect the behavior your child needs to exhibit to be successful in his/her relationships.

People are so quick to judge.  So quick to call the shooter “evil”.  Yes, the act was evil.  But remember, the shooter was human just as you and I are.  The shooter obviously had many things going on with him that needed serious attention.  Where was the help for him?  How does this American society so intently dismiss these individuals?  There is a void in our system.  At which point in time in our history did we begin to simply ignore the needs of these unique individuals?  We are now being forced to see them.  But unfortunately, we are labeling them as demonic and evil.  That is because evil has been allowed to seep into them through our lack of compassion.  The demons have been permitted their reign over them because we refuse to reach out, to get them help; to provide the help, the system, the education, a safe place for them to heal.

There needs to be residential treatment for all of these individuals.  Something that is provided through special funding, charitable donations, etc.  A safe place, one that is non-threatening to them.  There needs to be one of these in every major city throughout our country.  The stigma of mental illness needs to be minimized because a very large percentage of our population lives daily with some form of mental illness.

If we as an American society continue to ignore these people, if we continue to move about our lives and continue to allow them to fall between the cracks, we will continue to experience a great deal of pain for it.

WAKE UP!!!!  These horrific acts are designed to get our attention so that we may come together as a society, enact the change we need to see in the world and prepare a place to get help, guidance, love and support for those among us who suffer so greatly in silence.

As for the mother of the shooter.  I understand her struggle.  However, I am deeply, disappointed that she would introduce firearms into the situation.  This was ignorant and irresponsible on her part.  If she wanted to have firearms at her property, it was imperative that they be stored in a manner that only she could access them.  But with a child, an adult, or any person who resides at the property that has been diagnosed with or exhibits any form of mental instability, it should have never been brought to his attention that firearms were even present on the property.  People with mental instability, even under the best of circumstances when they are stable, can be suddenly unpredictable.  This mother should have known better.  She let her guard down and paid the price first with her own life and then with the lives of many, innocent others.  She had a responsibility to society with this son of hers.  She had a duty and obligation to make sure that in every way she possibly could to protect her son from himself, and in turn to protect society from him.  The local law enforcement should've been aware of his condition.  There should've been a family therapist involved, and much more...

This goes back to my earlier point that MORE education, MORE guidance for mentally unstable individuals in a safe and non-threatening way is desperately needed or I am afraid .. we will all continue to suffer.

The Pretty Little Girl, With the Pretty Little Curl ...

From the time I was a little girl, I always wanted a daughter. My mother would hold me in her lap and sing, "pretty little girl, with a pretty little curl .. right in the middle of her forehead." That motherly lap was warm, soft, so loving. It was a safe place and my relationship with my mother was sweet and special. She was my best friend. More than that, she was a lady I trusted, respected and the thought that anything I said or did ever hurting her in any way was something that would rock me to my core.

It began very young really. Painfully, I became a single mother when my baby girl was just 13 months old. I was forced to have to put her into day care while I worked. I moved near my mother and father and had their help as much as they could. I first noticed Lynn was being treated differently than the other children at the home-based day care. My mother first pointed this out to me. My mother helped me out by picking Lynn up for me when I had to work late. Or, I would ask my mother to go and get Lynn so that she wouldn't have to be stuck in a day care environment so much. My mother pointed out to me that every time she went to pick Lynn up from day care, Lynn was the only child sitting, strapped in a high chair while the other children were permitted to run around and play.  The thought of this occurring with my sweet, young child hit me in my gut. My mother picked Lynn up at various times of the day and noted this on several occasions. I too began to notice that this was occurring and questioned the woman running the day care. She explained to me that Lynn was very hard to manage and this was how she could secure her safety.

I immediately withdrew Lynn from this environment and moved her to another facility that was NOT in someone's home.

I think back now ... and I understand that intricate pattern that is who Lynn is. Why couldn't I have been given a guide book at her birth. One that would help me protect her from people and situations like this. One that provided sources for environments that would have been more conducive to her needs?

Lynn was a very active, busy little girl. Always singing and dancing around. From the time she was 6 months old and began to speak words, she never stopped. She was a constant source of companionship and entertainment for me. We sang every song we heard and even made up a few of our own. Nineteen years later..we are still singing our songs together.

Thank you for your visit to my blog.

If you are visiting for the first time.  Or maybe you are a return guest.  Thank you for your visit.  Please know that I am not formally trained in psychology, psychiatry or any mental health discipline.  I am a mother who has experienced the onset and early patterns of what I now know to be Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder and it's related nuances in my daughter.  I wanted to be a mother with all of my heart and soul.  When this little girl came into my world 19 years ago, I was a young mother and very dialed into her from the moment I first laid eyes on her.  I knew almost from birth there was something a little different about her.  But as a young, naive mother, I brushed those instincts aside..at least until they resurfaced with each stage of her development.

Some of you will be curious.  This blog is in fact very honest and real.  Please be respectful as this is not taboo and the subject of this blog is a real person just trying to thrive in this life just as we all are.  Mental illness is not to be taken lightly, and requires a great deal of maturity, compassion and patience of the care givers to deal with.  Maturity, compassion, dignity and respect is expected of those who sincerely wish to learn more about it.

My message for you is this.  If you find yourself with a child, sibling, friend or are in some way personally touched by what you read here.  Please know that you must not feel embarrassed to talk about it.  If you are a parent with a particularly challenging child, please seek professional, trained help for that child.  It is not fair to the child or to you and your family to simply push it aside.  Understand that it does not always mean that you must medicate your child.  If you've read this blog, you've seen my own struggles with medication.  I prefer a  more holistic approach to life.  In some situations, that is not what is best for the person in need.  You must put your own biases aside and realize that you should never be upset that your child needs medication, you should be more upset that your child did not get the treatment they really need to thrive in this life.  Your child deserves to experience the treatment necessary to help him/her to lead a happy, healthy, full and productive life.  These children/people need the ones who love them most to set them on the path they deserve to be on and the one intended for them.  These children/people have incredible gifts to give the world.  The opportunities are there for them to thrive.  Love your child by getting them the help they need and deserve.

My daughter is a living example of how the right help and perseverence can turn turmoil into tremendous success.  She is thriving in her life now.  She is an incredible force of life.  Don't think for a minute that it was easy or will be for you.  There is no one right solution.  We are all individuals wired differently.  It will be a long road.  But the most rewarding and enlightening one you will ever be on in your life.

Please feel free to comment or message me privately.

An Enigmatic Life / JULY 2012

It happens less often lately.  It comes up in casual conversation and always catching me off guard.  It’s taboo!  Or is it.  I think it’s not.  It’s just life.  Life for us anyway, living with bipolar and it’s many faces.  People, we are all so different from each other.  Some say, “I just want to be [normal].”  Why?  What in fact is so special about [normal]?  That’s right!  Nothing is special about normal!  My daughter says she doesn’t want to be [special].  Oh but you are.  You so very much are indeed.  And with the utter HELL raising you has put me through..I wouldn’t change a thing about you.  You, my darling daughter, you have awakened me in ways that never would’ve been possible without the trials of mothering you.  And your life has burned a path for you and has been branded on the memories and imaginations of countless individuals all along your mere 19 years.  With all the pain has come an intense joy and love that is indescribable.  I have feared for you..I have feared from you.  I have begged God to wrap His protective arms around you more times that I can begin to imagine.

I begin a casual conversation with someone.  Then the topic comes up about family dynamics.  The individual usually says something like, “I don’t speak much to my sister, she has bipolar disorder.” Or, “Our family struggles with dealing with my father’s depression.”  Then I promptly tell them they are not alone.  Every family has been touched in some way by some aspect of the psychiatric world even if medical treatment has never been sought.  I tell them my story.

It goes something like this;

“I understand where you are coming from.  My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 12.  Up to that time and since, we have sought treatment for her.  More specifically after the diagnosis, we found excellent, temporary residence care for her in order to fully understand her needs and for the specialist to determine the right combination of medication for her.  In May of 2010, we had a major set back.  Upon the undesired addition of a new boyfriend who was a few years older than our daughter and influencing her in very bad ways, she was Baker Acted into a mental health facility for a period of two weeks.  She was at that time in extreme danger.  And she was an extreme danger to her family.  We were forced to take further measures to protect ourselves from her and the unwelcome influences she brought about.  Upon her release two weeks later and at the tender age of seventeen, she ran away with the undesirable influence.  We continued to work the “system” and to work with local law enforcement to regain physical custody of our daughter to no avail.  The “system” was not set up at all to help parents.  It was only set up to help children in abusive environments.  She was treated as an adult at the age of seventeen and the boy flew under the laws for statutory rape due to his age being under the age of 24 in the state of Florida.  This child today has been out of the diabolical grips of the disgusting boy for more than a year now.  She is in college, and successfully holding down a job for almost one full year now.  How you ask?  What is the secret of her success?  Of our success with her?  I would hardly call it that at this point.  There is still a long road ahead of us.  She is still emotionally stunted a few years because of the trauma of her high school years.  Bipolar Disorder is not the same twice.  It manifests differently from person to person.  With my daughter, little annoyances to you or me, well to her they are sirens and she constantly looks to quiet the noise in her head and focus on getting through the day.   Getting through a class, holding onto her job, not making a cutting, out of nowhere comment to a friend.

I knew it to be so..long before a clinical psychologist sat me and my husband on his dark green, aged, leather sofa in his office in Atlanta, Georgia nearly seven years ago.   

An Introduction to the "Baker Act" / MAY 2010

First, I would like to say thank you so very much for taking a moment out of your busy life to spend a little time with me.  The past 18 years of my life with Lynn have been a an unending tide of turmoil and emotional highs and lows.  Like a symphony orchestra moving us with all it's deep, dramatic notes from intense, gripping emotion, into the playful dance of grace and peace.  A real life story, Lynn's emerging array of mental disorders have sent me into a path that has oftentimes left me alone and in deep despair.  Many days I cling literally to life, pushing away snares of evil, holding the comfort of the love and companionship of family and friends.


If you are reading this blog for the first time, to best understand the sequence, please click on "2007" on the right and scroll down to the bottom post entitled, "In the beginning..." then read from that post up.


Jeb, Lynn's new love interest, had pushed his way into her life and then into our family.  Smug, defiant, disrespectful, this young man was as mysterious as he was obvious.  Never a straight answer about his past or even his present for that matter.  He wouldn't or more likely, couldn't even look me in the eye.  He was amused about how he and his "buddies" would go down to the street in town where they knew or assumed street walkers frequented and pitch raw eggs at the women.  This is who Lynn chose to force on her family?  I injected questions into my conversations with Jeb; "Do you go to school?  Did you graduate high school?  If so when, where?  Where do you attend college?  What are you taking in college? Why do you have an arrest record?  Where do you live?  Who are your friends and what do they do?"  Every question was answered with lies, elaborate lies.  I wanted to believe at first because his presence in our lives seemed semi-permanent like a bad tattoo.  The answers to these questions would prove to be more profoundly twisted than the web of lies that were woven.  I was appalled that this young man was spending time with my daughter, that he was in my home and around my younger daughter.  I was annoyed and then I felt violated when he would blatantly ignore our rules of no visits during the school week.  Jeb would come to the house so frequently especially when my husband was out of town and then he would refuse to leave.  There was a history of abuse in the form of neglect and quite possibly more at play in Jeb's past.  There was an obvious cycle in motion that he had no choice but to repeat.


There was something bubbling up from the muck of deceit and defiance.  Lynn and Jeb formed a world all their own.  They bought into the fantasy.  It was difficult to discern, was it Jeb's influence on Lynn?  Or was he really a helpless victim who fell prey to her seductive and manipulative ways.  I almost felt sorry for him, but then I realized that he was feeding her manipulation without even really knowing exactly what he was creating.  I warned him that he was messing with something he couldn't possibly understand.  The grand fantasy that is so text book with BPD (borderline personality disorder) was centered on Jeb but he was really just a pawn, insignificant, yet undeniably culpable, he was the tool that was used by the manipulation that brews inside Lynn.


"I F****NG HATE YOU!!!!  I HATE MY FAMILY I WANT YOU ALL DEAD AND I HOPE YOU ALL ROT IN HELL!!  EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!  I KNOW HOW TO DO IT TOO!!!  I DON'T NEED OR WANT MY FAMILY ANYMORE!!!  I CAN DO EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING WITHOUT YOU!!!  IN FACT, I AM GOING TO BE UNBELIEVABLY RICH!!!  WHAT'S THE MATTER?  YOU *****!!!  YOU CAN'T EVEN SIT IN THE ROOM WITH ME...THAT'S RIGHT RUN AWAY.  LOOK AT THE WAY YOU MAKE ME ACT!!!  LOOK AT ME!!!  I LOOK LIKE I'M A CRAZY PERSON RIGHT NOW THANKS TO YOU!!!!"


Click...the handcuffs were snapped on.  The chief of police and two detectives escorted Lynn through the doors of the mental health hospital.  She was immediately placed in a level I unit.  It was a new facility, private, expensive.  She was placed deep within the facility, behind three sets of thick, double, bolted doors that only staff had the keys and codes to access.  There was a nice courtyard with a sand volleyball court..surrounded by a very tall, chain-link fence with triple razor wire spiraling like a fanciful necklace draped around the building.  The cafeteria was stocked with almost whatever the patients could imagine they would want to eat.


I later learned what the "Baker Act" means.  A mentally challenged person must present, in front of witnesses an imminent threat to herself or others.  The intake coordinator at the hospital said she fit the classic traits required to admit her for observation for at least three days.  Upon further evaluation, they determined her to be an imminent threat to me at the very least and then also to her younger sister.  They would not even allow me to see her for two full days.  They said she was behaving in a violent way and I was her target.  They administered Geodome.  She went to sleep and when she awoke with a start as she often does, she jumped out of bed, she passed out cold.  No food that day as she refused to eat and the Geodome, a very powerful drug overtook her small frame.  The nurses caught her before she hit the floor.  Then they called me with the update.  It sent a chill through me to think what she was experiencing..to think what she was capable of yet also so vulnerable.  I would later learn that her vulnerability was in large part due to her deep seated fear of being alone. (Reactive attachment.)  This side of her in the younger version manifested itself in the form of tantrums.  Now, she is turning into a young woman and the battle of her hormones with her chemical imbalances was more vicious, more intense and more threatening than ever before.

**The "Baker Act."   Involuntary Examination (FL Statute 394.463) Defined by the Florida Mental Health Act

[A person may be taken to a receiving facility for involuntary examination if there is reason to believe that he or she is mentally ill and because of his or her mental illness: (1a) The person has refused voluntary examination after conscientious explanation and disclosure of the purpose of the examination; or
(1b) The person is unable to determine for himself or herself whether examination is necessary; and

(2a) Without care or treatment, the person is likely to suffer from neglect or refuse to care for himself or herself; such neglect or refusal poses a real and present threat of substantial harm to his or her well-being; and it is not apparent that such harm may be avoided through the help of willing family members or friends or the provision of other services; or
(2b) There is a substantial likelihood that without care or treatment the person will cause serious bodily harm to himself or herself or others in the near future, as evidenced by recent behavior.

The Baker Act was considered by many persons around the country as landmark 

legislation at the time of its enactment.  The movement to deinstitutionalize 

persons from large mental hospitals back to their home communities became 

prominent since the 1970’s and many newer psychiatric medications have made 

it possible for persons to avoid or reduce the need for long-term hospitalization. 

Since the passage of the Act, the rights of individuals to live freely and without 

the same degree of deprivation of liberty has been more accepted by the public.  

The Baker Act has been continuously revised to recognize these trends and to 

protect the rights of persons with mental illnesses.]

**History of the Baker Act – It’s Development and Intent 

State of Florida Department of Children and Families Mental Health Program Office 

Florida’s Baker Act Website  – May 2002  http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/programs/samh/MentalHealth/laws/histba.pdf

###

When we were finally permitted to see her, she looked so pale and so thin.  I couldn't contain my emotion and I just hugged her and kissed her forehead.  I whispered in her ear just as I had done so often before when she was a baby, a toddler, a young child..."I love you my sweet girl."  The therapist assigned to her case sat stoic..her eyes almost appeared to be accusing me of something.  Lynn showed no emotion.  She sat down and fixed her gaze on me..just as stoic.  I don't know what to feel..do I feel sorry for myself that once again I am rejected by this daughter?  Do I feel sorry for her that she lacks any empathy at all for the pain she exacts on me so surgically?  Do I feel ashamed that in some way..many ways, I must've failed as her mother?  Helpless, self loathing..pitiful and unworthy.  These are the feelings that circle around in my own psyche.


Could I have possibly read up more on anything, everything that could be at play here to help her..to help me help her?  All the years of therapy, the many, many different doctors, social workers, teachers, family, friends, residential treatment schools.  All the university scientific position papers, studies..and countless hours deep in prayer...no answers...only more questions...


The psychiatrist at the mental health hospital where Lynn resided called me and my husband in for a meeting.  He told us that nothing out of her mouth was the truth at this time.  She was living in some wild fantasy and that she had, "...built a castle in the sky and she has bought it and moved into it."  He further told us that she was surrounded by people who were influencing her in very bad ways.  That he said with the path she was on, that she would more than likely be in jail or dead within two months.  There are few words that are more terrifying to a mother.  Devastatingly scared, I was determined to do everything I had to do to save her.  Even if it meant sacrificing myself in the process.


Lynn's  behavior continued to become more erratic.  Her attitude more defiant.  She began to have ideas that she never expressed before.  Ideas like that she didn't need or even want her family anymore.

Descension into Mania

If you are reading this blog for the first time, I will provide a brief summary to you.  To best understand the sequence, please click on "2007" and scroll down to the bottom post entitled, "In the beginning..." then read from that post up.

The life I live is surrounded by family members who live in a personal torment of various personality disorders centered around Borderline Personality Disorder.  This devastating condition has it's grips on my oldest daughter.  I live with the manipulation, the anger and the uncertainty of this condition every day.  My husband and younger daughter are also affected.

It has been a little more than two years since I have checked in with you...so much to tell...so much chaos..then calm..followed by the worst two weeks of my life. I just experienced pain and torment I wish on no other human being much less a mother.

I'll take you back to the spring of 2008. Lynn had just come home from boarding school to learn that the family will be transferred...yet again...and we are going back to Orlando, Florida.

A recent written account of the mental anguish this caused Lynn was found in her room. I was there sorting through the chaos that had collected in her drawers, under her bed, on bookshelves, and inside containers and compartments. She places things significant and otherwise in a random pattern throughout her room...her space whether that be her room or her bags. The shifting pattern of her personal effects weave a subtle story about the workings of her mind...a map of the daily inconveniences and little victories of a beautiful young lady with an emerging discovery of personality disorders.

The following is an excerpt from a paper she wrote for a college English class while dual enrolled in High School.

October 2009:

The title of the paper is: "Pill By Useless Pill"

[The stress of moving at first was extremely subtle; only because I thoroughly enjoyed starting over and creating a new feel for myself and my surroundings. However, as I grew older and friendships seemed to mean more to me, moving got harder. Making new friendships wasn't as easy as it had always been. I found myself in a hole of misery from overwhelming stress, and it had washed over me and my life like an unending inconvenience.

I would have to establish all new friendships and then mere weeks or months later, the brown boxes would pile in the front door of my home and just as quickly they were carried right back out to venture to the next house that I ideally would call my home. From the age of six weeks old to now, I have moved a grand total of eleven times. Each move was special in it's own extent. ....Being on medication brought me down further into despair. It seemed as if my anxiety medication wasn't working to it's fullest. So instead of one, I started taking two. Two little, white pills once a week turned into two pills every two days. Finally, I was to the point of taking two pills a day. I felt like I could not handle the emotional stress of not having friends due to my lack of interest in being in a specific place. It seemed unfair that I had to be in such an imposition when everything in my life was just as it should have been. My previous coping methods were non-existent as I swallowed multiple pills each day.

My insecurities brought out the absolute worst in my personality. I pushed away the friends I had in [the last location we resided] because I figured that if I were never to see them for a long while, what was the point in even talking to them? I needed a friend then and there, not then and elsewhere. I went from a happy, energetic, loving and caring person to a negative, insecure and extremely unsatisfied kid.]
~LB

This is a note I found in her room carefully drafted on a single sheet of white paper:

"The truth that many people never understand, until it's too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt."
~LB

Lynn wrote the above in crayon. She used two different colors. The bold and colored words above were drawn over multiple times...like they were shaking on the page...

As for the paper she wrote, entitled, "Pill By Useless Pill", I can see the hidden truths and a glimpse into her psychye. Some of her paper was obviously exaggerated and she would more than likely agree that it is...however, there are some very deep truths that dive into the torment and mental anguish she experiences with her Bipolar/Borderline mind. There is a deep seated trauma that exists in her brain. Only she can reconcile this trauma while I as her mother must stand by and watch her suffer...helplessly.  Her traumas stem from what most of us would consider normal life challenges.  But for Lynn's brain, the events seared into her psyche causing residual damage not even she can comprehend.

We as a family would experience a brief period of a semblance of calm and normalcy peppered with brief and somewhat normal, teenage outbursts, lasting from September 2008 through June 2009.  Beginning July 2009..everything would change for us..forever.

Papa was very ill and very likely imminently dying.  Papa, my father, played a very integral part in Lynn's life.  A very early bond formed between these two from Lynn's infancy.  That bond was sealed upon my divorce from Lynn's father when she was just 12 months old.  Lynn became like my father's baby.  A unique connection between them began to form and then grew through the years.  As the struggles with Lynn and her many disorders became more and more challenging, their relationship strengthened.  When I went to my father for help and advice about my ongoing struggles raising Lynn, he was quick to blame me and only me, calling into question my mothering frequently.  The self doubt and deep wounds of self loathing as her mother stabbed at me with his remarks.

Papa fell very ill with the discovery that his bladder cancer metastasized to reveal itself as a large tumor in his liver.  My father turned 80 in September and left this world on October 24, 2009.  The loss was beyond devastating to me personally..the affects on Lynn were shattering.

The call came mid summer 2009.  It was the voice of my father at the end of the phone line.  "They have found a spot on my liver..it's nothing really..just a spot..I'll be fine."  He always said, "I'll be fine.."  He was not fine and the next few days turned into weeks of watching the cancer slowly and very insistently take the life of my father.  With this loss I was left hollow and knowing that there would now be a void, a piece of me forever gone that would never be filled.  It took my breath away, I have now lost a very great love of my life.  The man responsible for bringing me into existence is now no longer in his physical body.  How can my life go on without him?  How can the electrical impulses in my body continue to fire and breath life into my soul without this man, my father?

It was shortly after the death of my father that I learned that Lynn's own, biological father made contact with her.  Many years earlier, he had hired an attorney and signed a witnessed statement that he wanted to relinquish his rights and terminate child support.  He contacted her through Facebook.  He proceeded to tell Lynn that he left me, her mother, the woman who had raised her, for another woman during a series of affairs he conducted throughout our marriage.  What sort of a person tells this to a 16-year-old young lady?  And after more than 15 years of abandonment?  Lynn suffered deeply from this revelation mostly because she was disappointed in the person he is.  She asked him, in writing to leave her alone permanently.

As if all of these devastating life blows weren't enough for a young girl, especially one who already suffers from her own brand of self doubt and self loathing...Lynn begins to bring into the fold new, more dangerous behaviors and her attitude shifted.

January 2010..Lynn had a new love interest in her life.."Jeb."  Jeb initially entered the picture June 2009.  As her mother, I quickly nipped this new interest in the bud and forbid her to see him.  I told this young man to stay away from my daughter, my family and my property.  My instincts told me he was bad news...my instincts never fail me.  By Christmas time, Lynn was sneaking around meeting this young man.  What has she injected into our lives this time?  Jeb would introduce a poison into our family that would have a devastating impact and would permanently alter our family dynamic.  Innocently enough..I feel that perhaps somewhere deep in his diabolical mind he knew..but lay victim in his own illusions.

It was an infiltration through the mind, body and psyche of our Lynn that would rock the foundation of who we are as a family and result in a grave unfathomable loss.

Lynn suffered extreme stress from the pressure the demands of the bad boyfriend, the demands of her work as Design Editor of the award winning yearbook for her high school and a new job.  The side of her that was raised by a loving family with guidelines and boundaries wreaked havoc inside her with the boyfriend who was telling her that parents, the police, her teachers basically anyone in an authoritative position are "stupid".  For someone who suffers from the challenges Lynn faces, the pressure was too much.  The descent into the manic phase she experienced as a result was sad and was avoidable.  The people that come into her life and then fall under her spell fail to see who she really is and how to help her.  Unfortunately, it will be a pattern that will be repeated as she moves into adulthood.

The next blog entry will outline in detail the drama that unfolded in the next several months that involved not only our infamous, Windermere Police but also a lock down mental health facility, court appearances and a permanent no trespass against Jeb.  The course of Lynn's life takes a turn that cannot be undone.

A Delicate Bond

I have heard it from more than one source. I have an uncanny bond with Lynn. (Don't mistake my words. My younger daughter and I also are very close and very affectionate with each other.) But it is different with Lynn. It has never been really affectionate..from a very early age...months old, not even walking yet, Lynn would bristle at affection. She would literally push me from her as I was holding her. As she grew, she would not give hugs and would pull away from the attempts at affection; a hug or a kiss. Yes, I would still kiss her..I would sneak into her bedroom at night while she slept and cover her forehead with kisses, smooth her hair with my hand and whisper a tiny, "I love you, beautiful child."

Then she grew some more, and the storms of her illness became wild and fraught with intesity. I locked into her mind. Perhaps in an oh, so desperate intent to understand her, to help her..to love her more despite my own feelings of angst. I could engage into her and sense her emotions, what was traveling through her mind at light speed. I could feel it more than see it. Here it comes, an "episode" as we call them. This one is an angry one. She is 11 years old and I pick her up from school. She fixes her icy glaze on me and the fury begins.

I anticipate her every action, word or deed even before she does. What is this connection? I know that mother's have a very special bond with their children, especially their daughters or so I've heard. I can only speak from the experience of being a mother of daughters as I have no sons. This connection is almost psychic; astral. It comes from my core. I can feel it. I don't think it goes both ways, or she hasn't revealed as such. I can sense what she senses. Maybe she does...sometimes it seems we are halves of the same person...not that she is me, rather that she is half me and half her and I am half her and half me. I understand her in a way that is not possible for anyone else to understand. I know when the tide of an episode...manic or depressive, begins to advance on her mind. I see it in her eyes...I can feel it in my bones. I know it before she or anyone else does. I am not always proud about how I handle it. I get angry. NO!!! "Lynn, what is wrong with you!? What happened? Did something happen today at school? Since you've been home?" "No mom", she says, "No, nothing is wrong with me, nothing happened." No, of course nothing happened. It is never what happened. It is ALWAYS, what happened after. My anger, while it seems is directed at her, it is aimed for the darkness that swells within her. Get away from my beautiful, sweet daughter! Where are her pills?! "Lynn, did you take your pill last night? Have you skipped any nights? Did you intend to take it but then layed it down somewhere like you did last week? Remember, it MUST be consistently in your system to work properly." When the meds are consistent, I have a beautiful, happy, healthy, well-adjusted daughter. When they are not, the darkness takes over.

Falling...figuratively and LITERALLY!!!

I fell down the full flight of stairs at my home Friday, February 8th. Yes, I fell..face first, down 16 steps. Maybe more like flew down. Day 2 of Lynn's return home..permanently from boarding school. I had a business appointment that morning. Amy, my younger child had a holiday from school. Therefore, both girls were home. Amy was right there, at her computer nook near the top of the stairs when it happened. I stepped out from the top step and lost my footing. In an instant I knew this would be really bad. I flung the laundry and cell phone I was carrying out of my hands and reached forward for the stair rails catching myself. However, the momentum had begun (you physics experts out there can explain this one). Forward I went, sliding with ONE hand (my right one) on the hand rail. I hit my left elbow, knee and chin on the lower steps. Amazingly, nothing was broken, including on my body. And thank God-I did not hit my head. Lynn was on the phone at the time speaking with her dorm mother about a few items she left behind and wanted to retrieve on her return Sunday to clear out her dorm room. Lynn heard the commotion, looked down and replied in a very non-chalant manner, "oh, my mother just fell down the stairs." Then she went into her bedroom and continued her conversation with her dorm mother. Amy, my very sensitive momma's girl, saw the whole thing happen, screamed and flew into her bedroom - where she would remain for the next hour - slamming the door, sobbing uncontrollably. BOTH of my girls are now in their rooms, and I am on the floor at the bottom of the stairs conducting a quick assesment of my condition. No permanent damage and I am about to be late for my appointment...so out the door I run!

Drama!!! Yes, I couldn't make this stuff up. I think I was in shock a little for a few hours because I couldn't stop giggling about it and my husband and my mother saw nothing funny at all about it. In fact I was laughing so hard I was tearing up...shock? Anyway, I was very sore the next several days on my right side where I grabbed the handrail and I think I may have bruised the bone on my lower left chin. This was the area that took the brunt of the fall. Otherwise, I am very lucky I didn't do more damage. **Next house...NO STAIRS!!!**

She's baaaack....

Yes, that's right. Lynn was going to flunk her freshman year if I didn't do something soon. The boarding school would keep her, but then they were more interested in their budget than the well being of my child...at least that is my opinion. I know they are in the business of young lives, but let's face it; it is a business. So, the best thing for Lynn for now was to bring her back home and enroll her in the local public high school. There she could play a little catch up and under my watchful eye. She will still need to attend summer school for 2 classes to pass her freshman year. I mandated several conditions to her return home. She must follow a schedule including time for chores, time for homework and time for social. Her computer usage was limited and I have her laptop installed at the kitchen table where I monitor everything she does with it. Additionally, when she talks on the phone, mostly to her boyfriend, Daniel, she is at the kitchen table where I monitor that conversation as well. She has been home for 4 weeks now. She has only had 2 "episodes". These involved unreasonable anger. They blew over in 24 hours and she returns to her sweet self. She continues to struggle with school. Since it is so late in year, she is unable to participate in any clubs or extracurricular. I will need to look for something outside the school for her. Let's visit the angry episodes for a moment; they come on without warning, not instigated by anything unusual and nothing can be said to her at all. She is totally unreasonable and irrational. No matter my state of mind or attitude, it is no affect and no measure to counter balance the seething anger she exacts on me. These times always call up the time she stated, "I feel angry and I won't stop until everyone around me feels the same."

More to follow in the next few weeks....

And what a difference a day makes….or in this case 24 days!

That is how long Lynn has been back to school. She is like a different child. Mature, balanced. Where did this come from?! It’s as if a switch went on in her head. Is this the Bipolar? A new phase to travel on this journey? I have prayed for this for most all her life. I have prayed that one day I would have that beautiful person I know she is..that I would have her back. And here she is! Since she has been back to school her grades are ALL up to As and Bs, well, all that is except for Spanish which she has a C in. But a high C. I told her I’LL TAKE THAT C!!! That’s great! That’s super because I know how hard she is trying! I know because I can feel it in my soul. I can feel it in that instant of a connection when I hear her teenage girl voice. Nothing has changed with her meds..Nothing at all! Not even the time of day she takes them! She has had one or two little tiffs with girls in her dorm but that is just teenage girl stuff..you know, those dreaded “girl wars” at this age. ((giggle)) She is such a delight to speak with on the phone. She calls me every day and she is always bright. I can hear the joy in her voice. Today, she is off to South Carolina for a swim meet. (She is a swim team manager. – She loves that too.) She is getting the extra help she needs for her Spanish class to bring that grade up and also for her Physics class to keep that grade up.

What is the lesson here? I am selfish because I know, these lessons are for me. There is some greater plan, someone is navigating unchartered waters and if I just give in to that plan and stop the struggle it will all become clear. It is said we live our lives for our children. This child has given me my life in ways she could never know.

A Series of Disasters...bring on the Xanax and a one-way ticket to an unknown, obscure island...

Where do I begin? I realized I had had enough when I couldn’t breathe…come on!!! BREATHE!!! Just one good breath…feeling dizzy, shaky, I have the feeling I want to scream!!! I want to run away, hide, I can’t take all of this…BREATHE!!! I can’t take a breath…pressure on my chest…I feel like coughing, dizzy.

Twice Thursday, January 3rd – I suffered full scale panic attacks.. Lynn was mixed up with a drug pusher at the local high school and a teenage convict in another state…these two teenagers (Lynn and her boyfriend, Daniel) won’t tell me what is going on. Lynn is shaky and in tears..she is at the therapist office..she told him a little about what is going on but not much. Lynn begged me to take her to see Daniel. Something about apologizing and she needed to see him in person. I couldn’t do it..I had commitments to others and appointments to make. She threatened to walk to his home 4 miles away and down a very busy street. I still didn’t take her…I had to honor MY commitments…I can’t let someone else down, miss an appointment because of her compulsivity. Breathe…the room is getting fuzzy and dim..I am sitting – I put my head back and all is quiet, dark and still - I am out…back in seconds – I catch my breath. I am out the door to my next commitment…two little girls attending a winter break camp. (My younger daughter and her friend.)

Lynn is failing out of her college prep boarding school. She has NEVER failed a class…never had anything less than a B+ on a report card – even a progress report! Why? Is high school that challenging? She is highly intelligent. She is perfectly capable of the completing work and effectively at that. I have spoken with her teachers…they say it is difficult to engage her in class. Her teachers report that even her class mates attempt to bring her back into focus during class. Frustration. I put so much effort, love, attention into this child. I am scared for her future; I am scared for her present! Why is she failing so completely?! What has changed in her life? Oh, the answer would come…the answer…Lynn is clinically obsessive compulsive. Should I be happy that her obsessions are seemingly innocent? She has been obsessed with food, she has been obsessed with counting rituals, and she has been obsessive in nail biting and biting at the skin on her fingers...and there have been other obsessions… Lynn’s current obsession: her cell phone. To the outside world this is just a typical teenager who loves to talk on the phone and send text messages right? That is what the friends and family say to me. Remember, Lynn is not typical. Lynn is Bipolar. She also is clinically obsessive compulsive and she is sociopathic. Put this together and it is a recipe for some serious consequences. Lynn’s text message bill was more than 1,000 pages. She sends on average 3 text messages per minute from 6:00am till midnight….

I later learn what it was that Lynn and Daniel weren't telling me. That a boy from Lynn's previous school and the one that Daniel currently attends has been contacting Lynn through text messages. His messages are vulgar and contain lewd pictures of himself. Lynn and Daniel were trying to handle it on their own. Eric, Lynn's father stepped in and paid a visit to this boy's home and spoke with his parents. We hope this is finally the last we will hear from this boy. The drama that ocurred between Lynn and Daniel was that Lynn became fascinated with this lewd boy and began engaging in a dialogue with him. This angered (obviously) her boyfriend, Daniel as he told her that this other boy was a bad kid and she should stay away from him. Daniel was so upset that Lynn would continue to speak with this other boy and almost broke up with Lynn over it. Thus the tears and anxiety from Lynn during her therapy session. Is she learning? She can only comprehend the immediate; the present. She doesn't comprehend the consequence or the affect of her actions. Together with her therapist we are trying to show her in a loving and non-threatening way how to recognize and evaluate her actions. The concept is so simple. Most people get it at a rather young age. This is Lynn's handicapp. This is how we try to deal with it. As her mother, I worry for her future relationships; family, career, etc..

Drama! So much drama when Lynn is home. Fast forward three weeks. Lynn has now been back at school for three weeks. It seems like such a short time, yet also so long. I miss her. Yes, you heard me right. She is my beautiful first born daughter and I love her. I miss her presence. I dream about her at night; that she is growing up and slipping away from me. When Lynn is home it is high frequency tension. But in some small, little way, it is also comforting to have her here…to have the family unit together in completion.

The drama of the holidays with Lynn at home…the consequence of her actions were to remove her laptop and to cut off her texting/pic messaging, etc. from her phone. Now she can only use her phone to make and receive voice calls…(old fashioned huh?). Almost immediately after losing her text messaging privileges; and I mean within mere minutes, Lynn was calm and content. Not even seeming to miss her text messaging privileges she was on to the next thing…seeing her boyfriend and packing for returning to school.

Lynn returned to her boarding school and was instantly happy and content. She dug right into the second half of the school year with the passion and drive I have seen in her before. Since returning, Lynn’s grades are all up in the A-B range. The class she failed last semester, she now has an A. She had one incident with another child in her dorm. However, after speaking with the dorm mother who spoke with both girls..it seemed that it was not at all something Lynn instigated. And furthermore, Lynn had many girls on her side defending her in the dispute – which was just a verbal girl fight that they do at this age. It still hurts my heart that these things happen, however, I must also remind myself that this is one of the reasons I have her there…to learn a life lesson about how to handle herself properly in these types of situations. She wouldn’t get this at home…just conflicts with her family which wouldn’t teach her anything about conflicts with her peers.

Lynn will come home in two weeks for winter break. I am looking forward to her visit.

Home for the holidays....

Whew!!! That about sums it up...Lynn has been home for two weeks now and it has been quite a roller coaster of emotions. She was happy to be home...yet very demanding right from the start. She came home on a rainy Thursday morning...immediately she dumped her bags all over her room-the chaos began. For the next two days, Lynn woke up in her dark fog. Then on Sunday, she was happy, sweet and helpful to all of the family all day.

More Journal Excerpts...

More unedited journal content. I struggle to make sense of what is happening. I am looking for answers, information. I am searching for an expert or even another family who can relate. Many times I am told by people I thought were my friends and even from my own family that it is me with the problems...it's me; not [Lynn]. So often I believe that. I buy into what they say. I feel I have failed as a mother and sometimes even as a wife. I start to give up but my faith in God gets me through. His mercy and His eternal promise gives me so much hope...I have spent countless hours in therapy myself only to learn that there are no answers for me just more questions. According to my therapist I am "healthy"...my own anxiety is "situational." Therapy helps me understand [Lynn]. It helps me understand myself and it helps me to be the mother she needs me to be.

June 1, 2005:
[Lynn's] moods swing from a normal state, to mania and extreme excitement to angry, agitated and frustrated. She will ask your opinion about something and then argue both sides contradicting herself.

She expresses anger by huffing and puffing. She will fidget with her body wildly and very theatrically. She will speak her mind with no concern for consequence. She then pierces you with an icy glare.

[Lynn] is very bright. She is obsessively, compulsively motivated. To the point of exhausting those around her. If [Lynn] has a school project to do, no one will hear the end of it until it is complete and done so to perfection.

Self Esteem:
[Lynn] gives off an attitude that she is in control; however, she really suffers from poor self esteem. It bothers her that she has difficulty maintaining friends.

The next several weeks were spent searching for a clinical psychologist and psychological assessment centers. I made countless calls...waited on hold; interviewed many professionals over the phone. Once I narrowed the list, I made appointments to interview them in person. I was in search of the best doctor for [Lynn] and for our family. I wanted to know what was involved in a "Formal, Psychological Evaluation" and what is the course for treatment. What are the short-term and what will the long-term prognosis be? How can we help her now and how can we prepare for the future?

During this time; we found a very experienced, caring psychologist who continues to follow her care and treatment. We also were able to rule out several options. We learned much and we also learned how much we don't know. We found a new psychiatrist and therapist. (We moved from Florida to Georgia during the Summer of 2005.) We then began the long search for a school for [Lynn].

Excerpts from my journals...

The following post is taken straight from my journals. The information is unedited.

Monday, March 21, 2005:
"Many days I wonder, How will I survive the roller coaster of raising my BP child? It is exhausting and triggers anxiety and compulsive behavior in ME! I find myself agitated and nervously trying to make things "right".

It is gut wrenching to find myself in battle with her - of course even the most gentle persuasion is a nuclear attack to her! And to find my younger child, (my 5-yr old daughter) quietly weeping after listening to the explosion sometimes most of the day - "Lynn is in trouble...again."

Note to self in journal: "Mention to [Lynn's therapist] that she is writing things in her journals that are angry and disturbing. She hates herself..she says she thinks she is 'crazy', 'sicko' and should be sent to a place for 'dumb people'. She gives an outward appearance of everything being "ok" to you [her therapist], her teachers - I know better...I can see that she is tormented inside. Will Lynn need to be hospitalized to aggressively manage her meds? To stabilize her? I am so torn...I am so afraid. I want to help her..heal her...love her. Where are the answers?

Depakote: Begin with one at night at dinner time; for 3 nights, then 1 in the morning and then 1 at night...with meals...a little nausea.

Monday, March 21, 2005:
[Lynn] awoke immediate and anxious. She was frantically looking for a denim jacket...found. Then her wallet...found after hyper vetillating and tears. She was agitated, irritable and frustrated with her 5-yr-old sister. She did not eat well today. Mostly carbs and diet soft drinks...I am having a hard time controlling the amount of soft drinks she consumes...cannot catch her in the act. She had a friend from school over and she was bossy and pushy with her. She ended the day calm and tired.

Psychiatrist appt:
Should we evaluate the Adderall she is taking as it might be affecting her anxiety problems?

Tuesday, March 22, 2005:
Again, [Lynn] awoke agitated. She had that evil, glassy stare in her eyes. And is angry with me for trying to talk with her about her feelings. Now there is exposive anger and tears...tears from her, from me..and from the little sister.

Thursday, March 24, 2005:
The reward system of discipline is meaningless to [Lynn]. Behavioral modification does not work. We have tried everything! Her behavior cannot be controlled until her medication is right. Her behavior is biological such as any other biological urge.

April 5, 2005:
Begin mood charting; 1-10 scale - Calm - highly anxious.

April 12, 2005:
Pediatric Neurologist appt:
Brain scan...looking at brain wave patterns...Dr. recommendations for anxiety; splash your face with water, use music, butterfly pat yourself with arms crossed over chest. Brain scan results in one week.

Psychological evaluation recommended; will insurance pay? Test I.Q. No, insurance will not pay...tests will run in the thousands.

The age of innocence...

Greetings...I check in with you for the latest on Miss Lynn. She has now been back in her boarding school for 5 weeks. The new medication she started in May, "Abilify" was working very well over the summer, however, her psychiatrist was concerned that she had gained a whopping 12lbs since beginning the medication. This was over a 2-month period. This is record weight gain for Lynn. She has always been thin and has always had a very slow and steady growth pattern. It didn't occur to me that it might be a side effect of the new med even though I fully read all about it before agreeing to put her on it. !!! Why?!!! Why just when we think we have found something that will really make a difference even if it's just a small one, why does there ALWAYS need to be something to get in the way of that?! Her doctor was very concerned about the weight gain and wants to monitor her closely for continued weight gain. She must lose the weight by her next visit in October or he will take her off the medication. I am happy to report that she just called me yesterday and told me that she has lost 6lbs. Whew. I had a feeling that she had lost some weight because her class had a "mall trip" last weekend and I met her there. I bought her some new clothes and when she was trying them on, I could see that she looked more trim. You must understand that I am not one of those moms who is fanatical about my daughter's weight...this is only because we were so concerned that this medication would cause continual weight gain which could pose other problems for Lynn.

It is now November...we will need to re-evaluate Lynn's Bipolar meds on her next visit home. Since I have heard that Lithium is the proven drug of choice for Bipolars, I am going to discuss this option with her psychiatrist. She had a major manic episode last week that left all in her wake exhausted, confused and mostly deeply saddened. I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel as her mother. My heart was broken for her.

Having Lynn at a boarding school has allowed me to seperate my own emotions from these instances. I am able to gain so much perspective and I am now afforded the opportunity to show her my concern, support and love when these occur. When she is home, I am right in the middle of these storms and it becomes so personal. Lynn really needs her mother to be objective and loving...I am the only one who can be with all she goes through. She just told me that she doesn't know what she would do without me...that sometimes she really believes that I am the only one who loves her and understands her...Thank you Dear God in heaven for these little nuggets from this child! My heart swells with love for her when I receive the smallest hint of fragility. Life is so challenging with Lynn; I have heard it said that the children we weep for the most are the ones who bring us the greatest joys. I understand that statement so well. I worry, I get angry and frustrated; so scared, and through all the passion of those emotions there is this fragile little girl who is just as scared and frustrated. The break throughs are delicious nuggets of time that bring so much hope for the future.

She is coming home next week. We are all looking forward to the Christmas holiday and family time and traditions. Merry Christmas! Seasons Greetings!

It's summertime...

And the living is easy..or is it with a bipolar!!! Ahhh!! It has been touch and go with Lynn this summer so far. She has presented many challenges. I have had to watch her and keep close tabs on her whereabouts. She just doesn't have a grasp on the consequences of her actions. I have found that keeping her busy with very constructive activities like volunteering at a local summer day camp - in an outdoor, nature sort of setting was so very good for her in many ways. At first she went reluctantly, then she made a few friends there and enjoyed the work she did with the children. She begged me to go back. She ended up with more than 200 community service hours for the time she spent helping out at this camp. The camp director loved her and told me so every day. He said she was such a big help. The director put Lynn with a child who had Cerebral Palsy. She was his care giver for the week he was in the camp. She shared some very meaningful camp experiences working with this young boy. She was a self-starter taking it upon herself to see what needed to be done and setting about doing it before being asked. If this is any indication of how she will conduct herself once she becomes an adult, what is this mother so worried about?! In spite of all the pain and heartache...this young lady can make me so proud!

Every bit the teenager, she spent the summer text messaging her friends and friends of friends. This turned into an obsession with her. Even during our two weeks in Hawaii, she spent much of her time in the hotel rooms texting everyone she knew back in Georgia and Florida. Upon returning home, she promptly got on her lap top computer and spent her time "instant messaging" her friends and friends of friends. It's the "friends-of-friends" part that lead to trouble for her in late summer. Given even a moment of idle time...with all her friends from this area back in school a week before she had to go back to boarding school, Lynn found herself in trouble that could've led to a very serious situation for all of us. This is when we realized that for Lynn, the Internet-instant-messaging is like a drug...dangerous and addictive. On day three of the week prior to going back to school, and all her friends already back in school, Lynn had just the night before received her lap top back and with that her computer privileges. I walked into her room mid morning to find her "chatting" online with a boy from another state...a "friend" of her boyfriend. This "friend" whom her boyfriend told her was bad news...and to stay away from him was a convited criminal. He is her age and has been in trouble with the law. He was a sick and scary individual. His "MySpace" site provided evidence that this was not someone who should be in my daughter's life in any capacity. Lynn was warned by her boyfriend...yet Lynn was intrigued..as she always is with danger. She was literally 2 seconds away from sending some seriously compromising pictures of herself to this boy at his request...I read the dialogue and he was a nasty young man. Lynn immediately lost her lap top...she attempted to lie about what she was about to do. I took her cell phone away. I explained - somewhat impassionately - much about the consequences of what she was doing...I tried to tell her what she was inviting; be it now or in the future. I told her as her mother, I felt I needed to steel my heart against what will happen to her in the future because it was much too painful to think that my beautiful daughter was setting herself up to be raped, beaten and or killed in the future...that she was also inviting danger to visit our home and could bring that danger here to harm her mother, her sister and possibly her father. Sometimes I am so so very scared for her future. She doesn't have the capacity in her brain to understand consequences...she is clinically sociopathic.

Sociopaths are often thought to be criminals. That is only because most criminal behavior is sociopathic - lacking in conscience and consequence for others. Lynn doesn't want to hurt others...but she does not possess the sense of guilt or morality that most of us possess. In addition to her bipolar disorder, Lynn has a chemical imbalance in her brain that doesn't allow this experience for her-the experience of the sense of morality. Sadly, her therapist explained to me just this summer that there is NO CURE for this and furthermore, at this time there is NO MEDICATION to correct this in her brain. We are treating her for her bipolar disorder, but we cannot treat her for the sociopathic behavior. All we can do is model, repeatedly the behaviors we want from her. We must condition these behaviors in her with repetition of healthy relationships and proper actions to her behaviors.

Attending boarding school has been an excellent answer to providing Lynn with the unique environment she needs. At boarding school, she has had the best opportunity to interact regularly with her peers and faculty and staff...not her parents. The environment at the boarding school allows her to develop healthy peer relationships. The faculty and staff provide consequences to her unwanted actions that are much better at motivating her. Because of the fact that they are not her parents (with us she did not feel threatened...she knew that she didn't need to correct her behavior for long because we would either give in or get distracted and forget.) At the boarding school, Lynn fears the consequences...being sent to the dean, etc. The consequences there are threatening to her because they are embarrassing to her in front of her peers AND they could possibly threaten her future..getting into the college of her choice. As hard as it is for me as her mother to send her away to school...I miss her terribly, I know in my heart that the sacrifice I am making is a pure act of love for this child.

So I end this post with a summary of our summer...and a beginning to the new school year. Lynn is back in school. She is a freshman in high school. I am proud of her and I am scared for her. Only too quickly will she be 18 and starting college. We have just 4 quick years to set her on the right path. I am hopeful I am scared. No matter what, she will always have my unconditional love.

Every day I am learning..I am only human...

There is so much to be understood about Bipolar disorder. All the time, I thought the worst! I feared so much that my beautiful first-born child suffered from "mental illness." That she was "psychotic." Us mothers, we have such a heavy burden. Yet, our desires are so very simple. All we want is for our babies to be healthy and our children to be happy. We fear for anything to be wrong. We begin the worrying while our babies are in the womb...it never ceases. I would not accept the something was seriously wrong. As the symptoms increased, I began to search for some answers. I was looking for some help. I hoped and prayed the solution would be simple. Maybe a change in diet? Maybe it had to do with my parenting style? Did she suffer some unknown trauma?' The search became a quest to really find the truth; anything just so I could help her, help our family cope. Speaking with the experts over the years, the psychiatrists, the licensed-clinical-social-workers, the therapists, the clinical psychologists, no one could explain exactly what we were dealing with. No one except for the clinical psycholgist we found in Smyrna, GA. Dr. Cooper has been in practice for more than 35 years. Needless to say he is very experienced and knowledgeable. Many of his patients are very much like Lynn although no two are just alike. He is the only one who has been able to provide at least a logical and educated explanation. He has been calm and gentle and very professional. He believes in Lynn. He continues to be interested in her care and long-term prognosis even though she is no longer in his care. He says that he doesn't need to see her anymore, that the tests he used to complete the full-psychological-evaluation fully diagnosed what is going on in Lynn's head. Dr. Cooper explained to me that she is not mentally-ill; Lynn simply has a chemical embalance. With the right combination of medications (and this will change as she grows), and with regular counseling..and he said that even this will decrease over time, Lynn will have a very full and productive life. All my fears that Lynn was "mentally-ill" were incorrect. What does this mean? I will never be forced to make the decision to put her into a long-term care facility. I have belonged to several support groups. This is a decision that faces others who deal with various other and very serious illnesses.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I tell Lynn this. I also tell her that I love her with my whole heart and soul and that all my efforts for her and her sister's health, safety and happiness are the primary reason I exist.

Lynn is back home for the summer. It will be a good one. She is awake now and I must go and spend some time with her.

Ups and downs...

I get swept up in the rollercoaster that it Bipolar. Each new medication, each new mood upswing and I am drunk with the feeling that things are “normal” now. All that other stuff? The stuff of the down swings? All those awful times…a distant memory..too soon forgotten just to slap me in the face with the cold reality that this too was temporary.

Lynn started the Abilify a few weeks ago. It really seems to be helping her. However, these last two weeks she has been preparing for her final exams. This causes her to be stressed and have anxiety. When this happens, she finds the one person who she knows she can take it out on and she unleashes. Yes, that person is always me. I am mother and the one who has been in her life consistently. The one she knows she can abuse and yet I will still always be there, loving her, no matter what.

This time it all started with phone calls. She is still away at school. She has her cell phone around the clock now so she calls me at various times during the day. The minute I answer, she starts complaining or even sometimes she just starts yelling. She is yelling about all the studying she has to do. She is yelling about the material she must remember for the exams…she is yelling because she wants a certain picture for her Myspace site. Whatever the concern for the moment, she is yelling. Then she huffs at me when I don’t give her the response she is looking for and *click* hangs up on me. Yes, I know. I should not have put up with this beginning with the first time she did it. After about 3 or 4 hang ups..I had it. I called her back and let her know I was through with her abuse and she was losing her cell phone for the remainder of the week…until I go and retrieve her from school for the summer. She frantically called me back and tried to tell me it was a mistake. She “didn’t know what happened and why the call disconnected.” I know better and did not buy it for a minute. I emailed her dorm mother to remove her phone from her immediately. Lynn went straight into her dorm mother and turned her phone in without being told to do so. She told her dorm mother that she would be receiving an email from me asking her to take Lynn’s phone from her. Her dorm mother emailed me right away and told me that Lynn was very upset that I was angry with her. And right she should be!!! She tried to tell me that I should reconsider with it being exam week. The dorm mother said that Lynn had been very responsible with her phone and she had really noticed a “marked difference” in her since she began taking Abilify. I warned the dorm mother to not be fooled by Lynn’s manipulation. Lynn has a way of “profiling” people and using their weaknesses against them to suit her needs and desires.

Even 2 hours away, Lynn has a way of getting under my skin and affecting my moods. I was so angry with the flagrant way she just huffed at me and blurted an insult and hung up on me. I am her mother for goodness sake! How could she treat someone who loves her, takes care of her, only wants the best for her this way! It really hurts…it’s like the sting of a slap in the face. When she treats me this way I just want to scream! These are the times when she would gloat in her success of putting me into an angry state. She was feeling bad and she wasn’t going to stop pushing all my buttons until I felt the same or worse.

She is not even home for the summer yet and I am already feeling the anxiety of her presence. I am even counting the days I will be forced to spend with her…I really want a better relationship with my eldest daughter. Again, I am swept into the cycle of the moods…drunk with the euphoria of the good times just to be let down by the bad.

Living for today.

So happy to report today that Lynn is still doing well on her new medication, Abilify. No side effects have presented themselves as of yet...keeping my fingers crossed. She will come home this weekend for Mother's Day and stay over Monday to see her psychiatrist. Could this be a new wonderful chapter in Lynn's life? What timing! Just as she begins the summer before her high school years. I am actually looking forward to being with her this summer. Summers are usually dreaded. The nonstop constant togetherness combined with her boredom in the previous years was always a recipe for a perfect storm. For this reason, I always have had her very scheduled with summer camps and various activities. However, I was simply pushing her off to others to deal with her constant shifts in attitude and moods. More on this in a future blog.

For now, I am looking forward to seeing her this Friday afternoon. We will pack my car up with many of her belongings that she will need to take home for the summer.

Check back for an update on how this weekend goes and what her doctor has to say on Monday.

Happy Mother's Day!