Excerpts from my journals...

The following post is taken straight from my journals. The information is unedited.

Monday, March 21, 2005:
"Many days I wonder, How will I survive the roller coaster of raising my BP child? It is exhausting and triggers anxiety and compulsive behavior in ME! I find myself agitated and nervously trying to make things "right".

It is gut wrenching to find myself in battle with her - of course even the most gentle persuasion is a nuclear attack to her! And to find my younger child, (my 5-yr old daughter) quietly weeping after listening to the explosion sometimes most of the day - "Lynn is in trouble...again."

Note to self in journal: "Mention to [Lynn's therapist] that she is writing things in her journals that are angry and disturbing. She hates herself..she says she thinks she is 'crazy', 'sicko' and should be sent to a place for 'dumb people'. She gives an outward appearance of everything being "ok" to you [her therapist], her teachers - I know better...I can see that she is tormented inside. Will Lynn need to be hospitalized to aggressively manage her meds? To stabilize her? I am so torn...I am so afraid. I want to help her..heal her...love her. Where are the answers?

Depakote: Begin with one at night at dinner time; for 3 nights, then 1 in the morning and then 1 at night...with meals...a little nausea.

Monday, March 21, 2005:
[Lynn] awoke immediate and anxious. She was frantically looking for a denim jacket...found. Then her wallet...found after hyper vetillating and tears. She was agitated, irritable and frustrated with her 5-yr-old sister. She did not eat well today. Mostly carbs and diet soft drinks...I am having a hard time controlling the amount of soft drinks she consumes...cannot catch her in the act. She had a friend from school over and she was bossy and pushy with her. She ended the day calm and tired.

Psychiatrist appt:
Should we evaluate the Adderall she is taking as it might be affecting her anxiety problems?

Tuesday, March 22, 2005:
Again, [Lynn] awoke agitated. She had that evil, glassy stare in her eyes. And is angry with me for trying to talk with her about her feelings. Now there is exposive anger and tears...tears from her, from me..and from the little sister.

Thursday, March 24, 2005:
The reward system of discipline is meaningless to [Lynn]. Behavioral modification does not work. We have tried everything! Her behavior cannot be controlled until her medication is right. Her behavior is biological such as any other biological urge.

April 5, 2005:
Begin mood charting; 1-10 scale - Calm - highly anxious.

April 12, 2005:
Pediatric Neurologist appt:
Brain scan...looking at brain wave patterns...Dr. recommendations for anxiety; splash your face with water, use music, butterfly pat yourself with arms crossed over chest. Brain scan results in one week.

Psychological evaluation recommended; will insurance pay? Test I.Q. No, insurance will not pay...tests will run in the thousands.