If you are reading this blog for the first time, I will provide a brief summary to you. To best understand the sequence, please click on "2007" and scroll down to the bottom post entitled, "In the beginning..." then read from that post up.
The life I live is surrounded by family members who live in a personal torment of various personality disorders centered around Borderline Personality Disorder. This devastating condition has it's grips on my oldest daughter. I live with the manipulation, the anger and the uncertainty of this condition every day. My husband and younger daughter are also affected.
It has been a little more than two years since I have checked in with you...so much to tell...so much chaos..then calm..followed by the worst two weeks of my life. I just experienced pain and torment I wish on no other human being much less a mother.
The life I live is surrounded by family members who live in a personal torment of various personality disorders centered around Borderline Personality Disorder. This devastating condition has it's grips on my oldest daughter. I live with the manipulation, the anger and the uncertainty of this condition every day. My husband and younger daughter are also affected.
It has been a little more than two years since I have checked in with you...so much to tell...so much chaos..then calm..followed by the worst two weeks of my life. I just experienced pain and torment I wish on no other human being much less a mother.
I'll take you back to the spring of 2008. Lynn had just come home from boarding school to learn that the family will be transferred...yet again...and we are going back to Orlando, Florida.
A recent written account of the mental anguish this caused Lynn was found in her room. I was there sorting through the chaos that had collected in her drawers, under her bed, on bookshelves, and inside containers and compartments. She places things significant and otherwise in a random pattern throughout her room...her space whether that be her room or her bags. The shifting pattern of her personal effects weave a subtle story about the workings of her mind...a map of the daily inconveniences and little victories of a beautiful young lady with an emerging discovery of personality disorders.
The following is an excerpt from a paper she wrote for a college English class while dual enrolled in High School.
October 2009:
October 2009:
The title of the paper is: "Pill By Useless Pill"
[The stress of moving at first was extremely subtle; only because I thoroughly enjoyed starting over and creating a new feel for myself and my surroundings. However, as I grew older and friendships seemed to mean more to me, moving got harder. Making new friendships wasn't as easy as it had always been. I found myself in a hole of misery from overwhelming stress, and it had washed over me and my life like an unending inconvenience.
I would have to establish all new friendships and then mere weeks or months later, the brown boxes would pile in the front door of my home and just as quickly they were carried right back out to venture to the next house that I ideally would call my home. From the age of six weeks old to now, I have moved a grand total of eleven times. Each move was special in it's own extent. ....Being on medication brought me down further into despair. It seemed as if my anxiety medication wasn't working to it's fullest. So instead of one, I started taking two. Two little, white pills once a week turned into two pills every two days. Finally, I was to the point of taking two pills a day. I felt like I could not handle the emotional stress of not having friends due to my lack of interest in being in a specific place. It seemed unfair that I had to be in such an imposition when everything in my life was just as it should have been. My previous coping methods were non-existent as I swallowed multiple pills each day.
My insecurities brought out the absolute worst in my personality. I pushed away the friends I had in [the last location we resided] because I figured that if I were never to see them for a long while, what was the point in even talking to them? I needed a friend then and there, not then and elsewhere. I went from a happy, energetic, loving and caring person to a negative, insecure and extremely unsatisfied kid.]
~LB
~LB
This is a note I found in her room carefully drafted on a single sheet of white paper:
"The truth that many people never understand, until it's too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt."
~LB
~LB
As for the paper she wrote, entitled, "Pill By Useless Pill", I can see the hidden truths and a glimpse into her psychye. Some of her paper was obviously exaggerated and she would more than likely agree that it is...however, there are some very deep truths that dive into the torment and mental anguish she experiences with her Bipolar/Borderline mind. There is a deep seated trauma that exists in her brain. Only she can reconcile this trauma while I as her mother must stand by and watch her suffer...helplessly. Her traumas stem from what most of us would consider normal life challenges. But for Lynn's brain, the events seared into her psyche causing residual damage not even she can comprehend.
We as a family would experience a brief period of a semblance of calm and normalcy peppered with brief and somewhat normal, teenage outbursts, lasting from September 2008 through June 2009. Beginning July 2009..everything would change for us..forever.
Papa was very ill and very likely imminently dying. Papa, my father, played a very integral part in Lynn's life. A very early bond formed between these two from Lynn's infancy. That bond was sealed upon my divorce from Lynn's father when she was just 12 months old. Lynn became like my father's baby. A unique connection between them began to form and then grew through the years. As the struggles with Lynn and her many disorders became more and more challenging, their relationship strengthened. When I went to my father for help and advice about my ongoing struggles raising Lynn, he was quick to blame me and only me, calling into question my mothering frequently. The self doubt and deep wounds of self loathing as her mother stabbed at me with his remarks.
Papa fell very ill with the discovery that his bladder cancer metastasized to reveal itself as a large tumor in his liver. My father turned 80 in September and left this world on October 24, 2009. The loss was beyond devastating to me personally..the affects on Lynn were shattering.
The call came mid summer 2009. It was the voice of my father at the end of the phone line. "They have found a spot on my liver..it's nothing really..just a spot..I'll be fine." He always said, "I'll be fine.." He was not fine and the next few days turned into weeks of watching the cancer slowly and very insistently take the life of my father. With this loss I was left hollow and knowing that there would now be a void, a piece of me forever gone that would never be filled. It took my breath away, I have now lost a very great love of my life. The man responsible for bringing me into existence is now no longer in his physical body. How can my life go on without him? How can the electrical impulses in my body continue to fire and breath life into my soul without this man, my father?
It was shortly after the death of my father that I learned that Lynn's own, biological father made contact with her. Many years earlier, he had hired an attorney and signed a witnessed statement that he wanted to relinquish his rights and terminate child support. He contacted her through Facebook. He proceeded to tell Lynn that he left me, her mother, the woman who had raised her, for another woman during a series of affairs he conducted throughout our marriage. What sort of a person tells this to a 16-year-old young lady? And after more than 15 years of abandonment? Lynn suffered deeply from this revelation mostly because she was disappointed in the person he is. She asked him, in writing to leave her alone permanently.
As if all of these devastating life blows weren't enough for a young girl, especially one who already suffers from her own brand of self doubt and self loathing...Lynn begins to bring into the fold new, more dangerous behaviors and her attitude shifted.
January 2010..Lynn had a new love interest in her life.."Jeb." Jeb initially entered the picture June 2009. As her mother, I quickly nipped this new interest in the bud and forbid her to see him. I told this young man to stay away from my daughter, my family and my property. My instincts told me he was bad news...my instincts never fail me. By Christmas time, Lynn was sneaking around meeting this young man. What has she injected into our lives this time? Jeb would introduce a poison into our family that would have a devastating impact and would permanently alter our family dynamic. Innocently enough..I feel that perhaps somewhere deep in his diabolical mind he knew..but lay victim in his own illusions.
It was an infiltration through the mind, body and psyche of our Lynn that would rock the foundation of who we are as a family and result in a grave unfathomable loss.
Lynn suffered extreme stress from the pressure the demands of the bad boyfriend, the demands of her work as Design Editor of the award winning yearbook for her high school and a new job. The side of her that was raised by a loving family with guidelines and boundaries wreaked havoc inside her with the boyfriend who was telling her that parents, the police, her teachers basically anyone in an authoritative position are "stupid". For someone who suffers from the challenges Lynn faces, the pressure was too much. The descent into the manic phase she experienced as a result was sad and was avoidable. The people that come into her life and then fall under her spell fail to see who she really is and how to help her. Unfortunately, it will be a pattern that will be repeated as she moves into adulthood.
The next blog entry will outline in detail the drama that unfolded in the next several months that involved not only our infamous, Windermere Police but also a lock down mental health facility, court appearances and a permanent no trespass against Jeb. The course of Lynn's life takes a turn that cannot be undone.
We as a family would experience a brief period of a semblance of calm and normalcy peppered with brief and somewhat normal, teenage outbursts, lasting from September 2008 through June 2009. Beginning July 2009..everything would change for us..forever.
Papa was very ill and very likely imminently dying. Papa, my father, played a very integral part in Lynn's life. A very early bond formed between these two from Lynn's infancy. That bond was sealed upon my divorce from Lynn's father when she was just 12 months old. Lynn became like my father's baby. A unique connection between them began to form and then grew through the years. As the struggles with Lynn and her many disorders became more and more challenging, their relationship strengthened. When I went to my father for help and advice about my ongoing struggles raising Lynn, he was quick to blame me and only me, calling into question my mothering frequently. The self doubt and deep wounds of self loathing as her mother stabbed at me with his remarks.
Papa fell very ill with the discovery that his bladder cancer metastasized to reveal itself as a large tumor in his liver. My father turned 80 in September and left this world on October 24, 2009. The loss was beyond devastating to me personally..the affects on Lynn were shattering.
The call came mid summer 2009. It was the voice of my father at the end of the phone line. "They have found a spot on my liver..it's nothing really..just a spot..I'll be fine." He always said, "I'll be fine.." He was not fine and the next few days turned into weeks of watching the cancer slowly and very insistently take the life of my father. With this loss I was left hollow and knowing that there would now be a void, a piece of me forever gone that would never be filled. It took my breath away, I have now lost a very great love of my life. The man responsible for bringing me into existence is now no longer in his physical body. How can my life go on without him? How can the electrical impulses in my body continue to fire and breath life into my soul without this man, my father?
It was shortly after the death of my father that I learned that Lynn's own, biological father made contact with her. Many years earlier, he had hired an attorney and signed a witnessed statement that he wanted to relinquish his rights and terminate child support. He contacted her through Facebook. He proceeded to tell Lynn that he left me, her mother, the woman who had raised her, for another woman during a series of affairs he conducted throughout our marriage. What sort of a person tells this to a 16-year-old young lady? And after more than 15 years of abandonment? Lynn suffered deeply from this revelation mostly because she was disappointed in the person he is. She asked him, in writing to leave her alone permanently.
As if all of these devastating life blows weren't enough for a young girl, especially one who already suffers from her own brand of self doubt and self loathing...Lynn begins to bring into the fold new, more dangerous behaviors and her attitude shifted.
January 2010..Lynn had a new love interest in her life.."Jeb." Jeb initially entered the picture June 2009. As her mother, I quickly nipped this new interest in the bud and forbid her to see him. I told this young man to stay away from my daughter, my family and my property. My instincts told me he was bad news...my instincts never fail me. By Christmas time, Lynn was sneaking around meeting this young man. What has she injected into our lives this time? Jeb would introduce a poison into our family that would have a devastating impact and would permanently alter our family dynamic. Innocently enough..I feel that perhaps somewhere deep in his diabolical mind he knew..but lay victim in his own illusions.
It was an infiltration through the mind, body and psyche of our Lynn that would rock the foundation of who we are as a family and result in a grave unfathomable loss.
Lynn suffered extreme stress from the pressure the demands of the bad boyfriend, the demands of her work as Design Editor of the award winning yearbook for her high school and a new job. The side of her that was raised by a loving family with guidelines and boundaries wreaked havoc inside her with the boyfriend who was telling her that parents, the police, her teachers basically anyone in an authoritative position are "stupid". For someone who suffers from the challenges Lynn faces, the pressure was too much. The descent into the manic phase she experienced as a result was sad and was avoidable. The people that come into her life and then fall under her spell fail to see who she really is and how to help her. Unfortunately, it will be a pattern that will be repeated as she moves into adulthood.
The next blog entry will outline in detail the drama that unfolded in the next several months that involved not only our infamous, Windermere Police but also a lock down mental health facility, court appearances and a permanent no trespass against Jeb. The course of Lynn's life takes a turn that cannot be undone.
No comments:
Post a Comment