Where do I begin? I realized I had had enough when I couldn’t breathe…come on!!! BREATHE!!! Just one good breath…feeling dizzy, shaky, I have the feeling I want to scream!!! I want to run away, hide, I can’t take all of this…BREATHE!!! I can’t take a breath…pressure on my chest…I feel like coughing, dizzy.
Twice Thursday, January 3rd – I suffered full scale panic attacks.. Lynn was mixed up with a drug pusher at the local high school and a teenage convict in another state…these two teenagers (Lynn and her boyfriend, Daniel) won’t tell me what is going on. Lynn is shaky and in tears..she is at the therapist office..she told him a little about what is going on but not much. Lynn begged me to take her to see Daniel. Something about apologizing and she needed to see him in person. I couldn’t do it..I had commitments to others and appointments to make. She threatened to walk to his home 4 miles away and down a very busy street. I still didn’t take her…I had to honor MY commitments…I can’t let someone else down, miss an appointment because of her compulsivity. Breathe…the room is getting fuzzy and dim..I am sitting – I put my head back and all is quiet, dark and still - I am out…back in seconds – I catch my breath. I am out the door to my next commitment…two little girls attending a winter break camp. (My younger daughter and her friend.)
Lynn is failing out of her college prep boarding school. She has NEVER failed a class…never had anything less than a B+ on a report card – even a progress report! Why? Is high school that challenging? She is highly intelligent. She is perfectly capable of the completing work and effectively at that. I have spoken with her teachers…they say it is difficult to engage her in class. Her teachers report that even her class mates attempt to bring her back into focus during class. Frustration. I put so much effort, love, attention into this child. I am scared for her future; I am scared for her present! Why is she failing so completely?! What has changed in her life? Oh, the answer would come…the answer…Lynn is clinically obsessive compulsive. Should I be happy that her obsessions are seemingly innocent? She has been obsessed with food, she has been obsessed with counting rituals, and she has been obsessive in nail biting and biting at the skin on her fingers...and there have been other obsessions… Lynn’s current obsession: her cell phone. To the outside world this is just a typical teenager who loves to talk on the phone and send text messages right? That is what the friends and family say to me. Remember, Lynn is not typical. Lynn is Bipolar. She also is clinically obsessive compulsive and she is sociopathic. Put this together and it is a recipe for some serious consequences. Lynn’s text message bill was more than 1,000 pages. She sends on average 3 text messages per minute from 6:00am till midnight….
I later learn what it was that Lynn and Daniel weren't telling me. That a boy from Lynn's previous school and the one that Daniel currently attends has been contacting Lynn through text messages. His messages are vulgar and contain lewd pictures of himself. Lynn and Daniel were trying to handle it on their own. Eric, Lynn's father stepped in and paid a visit to this boy's home and spoke with his parents. We hope this is finally the last we will hear from this boy. The drama that ocurred between Lynn and Daniel was that Lynn became fascinated with this lewd boy and began engaging in a dialogue with him. This angered (obviously) her boyfriend, Daniel as he told her that this other boy was a bad kid and she should stay away from him. Daniel was so upset that Lynn would continue to speak with this other boy and almost broke up with Lynn over it. Thus the tears and anxiety from Lynn during her therapy session. Is she learning? She can only comprehend the immediate; the present. She doesn't comprehend the consequence or the affect of her actions. Together with her therapist we are trying to show her in a loving and non-threatening way how to recognize and evaluate her actions. The concept is so simple. Most people get it at a rather young age. This is Lynn's handicapp. This is how we try to deal with it. As her mother, I worry for her future relationships; family, career, etc..
Drama! So much drama when Lynn is home. Fast forward three weeks. Lynn has now been back at school for three weeks. It seems like such a short time, yet also so long. I miss her. Yes, you heard me right. She is my beautiful first born daughter and I love her. I miss her presence. I dream about her at night; that she is growing up and slipping away from me. When Lynn is home it is high frequency tension. But in some small, little way, it is also comforting to have her here…to have the family unit together in completion.
The drama of the holidays with Lynn at home…the consequence of her actions were to remove her laptop and to cut off her texting/pic messaging, etc. from her phone. Now she can only use her phone to make and receive voice calls…(old fashioned huh?). Almost immediately after losing her text messaging privileges; and I mean within mere minutes, Lynn was calm and content. Not even seeming to miss her text messaging privileges she was on to the next thing…seeing her boyfriend and packing for returning to school.
Lynn returned to her boarding school and was instantly happy and content. She dug right into the second half of the school year with the passion and drive I have seen in her before. Since returning, Lynn’s grades are all up in the A-B range. The class she failed last semester, she now has an A. She had one incident with another child in her dorm. However, after speaking with the dorm mother who spoke with both girls..it seemed that it was not at all something Lynn instigated. And furthermore, Lynn had many girls on her side defending her in the dispute – which was just a verbal girl fight that they do at this age. It still hurts my heart that these things happen, however, I must also remind myself that this is one of the reasons I have her there…to learn a life lesson about how to handle herself properly in these types of situations. She wouldn’t get this at home…just conflicts with her family which wouldn’t teach her anything about conflicts with her peers.
Lynn will come home in two weeks for winter break. I am looking forward to her visit.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Monday, December 31, 2007
Home for the holidays....
Whew!!! That about sums it up...Lynn has been home for two weeks now and it has been quite a roller coaster of emotions. She was happy to be home...yet very demanding right from the start. She came home on a rainy Thursday morning...immediately she dumped her bags all over her room-the chaos began. For the next two days, Lynn woke up in her dark fog. Then on Sunday, she was happy, sweet and helpful to all of the family all day.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
More Journal Excerpts...
More unedited journal content. I struggle to make sense of what is happening. I am looking for answers, information. I am searching for an expert or even another family who can relate. Many times I am told by people I thought were my friends and even from my own family that it is me with the problems...it's me; not [Lynn]. So often I believe that. I buy into what they say. I feel I have failed as a mother and sometimes even as a wife. I start to give up but my faith in God gets me through. His mercy and His eternal promise gives me so much hope...I have spent countless hours in therapy myself only to learn that there are no answers for me just more questions. According to my therapist I am "healthy"...my own anxiety is "situational." Therapy helps me understand [Lynn]. It helps me understand myself and it helps me to be the mother she needs me to be.
June 1, 2005:
[Lynn's] moods swing from a normal state, to mania and extreme excitement to angry, agitated and frustrated. She will ask your opinion about something and then argue both sides contradicting herself.
She expresses anger by huffing and puffing. She will fidget with her body wildly and very theatrically. She will speak her mind with no concern for consequence. She then pierces you with an icy glare.
[Lynn] is very bright. She is obsessively, compulsively motivated. To the point of exhausting those around her. If [Lynn] has a school project to do, no one will hear the end of it until it is complete and done so to perfection.
Self Esteem:
[Lynn] gives off an attitude that she is in control; however, she really suffers from poor self esteem. It bothers her that she has difficulty maintaining friends.
The next several weeks were spent searching for a clinical psychologist and psychological assessment centers. I made countless calls...waited on hold; interviewed many professionals over the phone. Once I narrowed the list, I made appointments to interview them in person. I was in search of the best doctor for [Lynn] and for our family. I wanted to know what was involved in a "Formal, Psychological Evaluation" and what is the course for treatment. What are the short-term and what will the long-term prognosis be? How can we help her now and how can we prepare for the future?
During this time; we found a very experienced, caring psychologist who continues to follow her care and treatment. We also were able to rule out several options. We learned much and we also learned how much we don't know. We found a new psychiatrist and therapist. (We moved from Florida to Georgia during the Summer of 2005.) We then began the long search for a school for [Lynn].
June 1, 2005:
[Lynn's] moods swing from a normal state, to mania and extreme excitement to angry, agitated and frustrated. She will ask your opinion about something and then argue both sides contradicting herself.
She expresses anger by huffing and puffing. She will fidget with her body wildly and very theatrically. She will speak her mind with no concern for consequence. She then pierces you with an icy glare.
[Lynn] is very bright. She is obsessively, compulsively motivated. To the point of exhausting those around her. If [Lynn] has a school project to do, no one will hear the end of it until it is complete and done so to perfection.
Self Esteem:
[Lynn] gives off an attitude that she is in control; however, she really suffers from poor self esteem. It bothers her that she has difficulty maintaining friends.
The next several weeks were spent searching for a clinical psychologist and psychological assessment centers. I made countless calls...waited on hold; interviewed many professionals over the phone. Once I narrowed the list, I made appointments to interview them in person. I was in search of the best doctor for [Lynn] and for our family. I wanted to know what was involved in a "Formal, Psychological Evaluation" and what is the course for treatment. What are the short-term and what will the long-term prognosis be? How can we help her now and how can we prepare for the future?
During this time; we found a very experienced, caring psychologist who continues to follow her care and treatment. We also were able to rule out several options. We learned much and we also learned how much we don't know. We found a new psychiatrist and therapist. (We moved from Florida to Georgia during the Summer of 2005.) We then began the long search for a school for [Lynn].
Excerpts from my journals...
The following post is taken straight from my journals. The information is unedited.
Monday, March 21, 2005:
"Many days I wonder, How will I survive the roller coaster of raising my BP child? It is exhausting and triggers anxiety and compulsive behavior in ME! I find myself agitated and nervously trying to make things "right".
It is gut wrenching to find myself in battle with her - of course even the most gentle persuasion is a nuclear attack to her! And to find my younger child, (my 5-yr old daughter) quietly weeping after listening to the explosion sometimes most of the day - "Lynn is in trouble...again."
Note to self in journal: "Mention to [Lynn's therapist] that she is writing things in her journals that are angry and disturbing. She hates herself..she says she thinks she is 'crazy', 'sicko' and should be sent to a place for 'dumb people'. She gives an outward appearance of everything being "ok" to you [her therapist], her teachers - I know better...I can see that she is tormented inside. Will Lynn need to be hospitalized to aggressively manage her meds? To stabilize her? I am so torn...I am so afraid. I want to help her..heal her...love her. Where are the answers?
Depakote: Begin with one at night at dinner time; for 3 nights, then 1 in the morning and then 1 at night...with meals...a little nausea.
Monday, March 21, 2005:
[Lynn] awoke immediate and anxious. She was frantically looking for a denim jacket...found. Then her wallet...found after hyper vetillating and tears. She was agitated, irritable and frustrated with her 5-yr-old sister. She did not eat well today. Mostly carbs and diet soft drinks...I am having a hard time controlling the amount of soft drinks she consumes...cannot catch her in the act. She had a friend from school over and she was bossy and pushy with her. She ended the day calm and tired.
Psychiatrist appt:
Should we evaluate the Adderall she is taking as it might be affecting her anxiety problems?
Tuesday, March 22, 2005:
Again, [Lynn] awoke agitated. She had that evil, glassy stare in her eyes. And is angry with me for trying to talk with her about her feelings. Now there is exposive anger and tears...tears from her, from me..and from the little sister.
Thursday, March 24, 2005:
The reward system of discipline is meaningless to [Lynn]. Behavioral modification does not work. We have tried everything! Her behavior cannot be controlled until her medication is right. Her behavior is biological such as any other biological urge.
April 5, 2005:
Begin mood charting; 1-10 scale - Calm - highly anxious.
April 12, 2005:
Pediatric Neurologist appt:
Brain scan...looking at brain wave patterns...Dr. recommendations for anxiety; splash your face with water, use music, butterfly pat yourself with arms crossed over chest. Brain scan results in one week.
Psychological evaluation recommended; will insurance pay? Test I.Q. No, insurance will not pay...tests will run in the thousands.
Monday, March 21, 2005:
"Many days I wonder, How will I survive the roller coaster of raising my BP child? It is exhausting and triggers anxiety and compulsive behavior in ME! I find myself agitated and nervously trying to make things "right".
It is gut wrenching to find myself in battle with her - of course even the most gentle persuasion is a nuclear attack to her! And to find my younger child, (my 5-yr old daughter) quietly weeping after listening to the explosion sometimes most of the day - "Lynn is in trouble...again."
Note to self in journal: "Mention to [Lynn's therapist] that she is writing things in her journals that are angry and disturbing. She hates herself..she says she thinks she is 'crazy', 'sicko' and should be sent to a place for 'dumb people'. She gives an outward appearance of everything being "ok" to you [her therapist], her teachers - I know better...I can see that she is tormented inside. Will Lynn need to be hospitalized to aggressively manage her meds? To stabilize her? I am so torn...I am so afraid. I want to help her..heal her...love her. Where are the answers?
Depakote: Begin with one at night at dinner time; for 3 nights, then 1 in the morning and then 1 at night...with meals...a little nausea.
Monday, March 21, 2005:
[Lynn] awoke immediate and anxious. She was frantically looking for a denim jacket...found. Then her wallet...found after hyper vetillating and tears. She was agitated, irritable and frustrated with her 5-yr-old sister. She did not eat well today. Mostly carbs and diet soft drinks...I am having a hard time controlling the amount of soft drinks she consumes...cannot catch her in the act. She had a friend from school over and she was bossy and pushy with her. She ended the day calm and tired.
Psychiatrist appt:
Should we evaluate the Adderall she is taking as it might be affecting her anxiety problems?
Tuesday, March 22, 2005:
Again, [Lynn] awoke agitated. She had that evil, glassy stare in her eyes. And is angry with me for trying to talk with her about her feelings. Now there is exposive anger and tears...tears from her, from me..and from the little sister.
Thursday, March 24, 2005:
The reward system of discipline is meaningless to [Lynn]. Behavioral modification does not work. We have tried everything! Her behavior cannot be controlled until her medication is right. Her behavior is biological such as any other biological urge.
April 5, 2005:
Begin mood charting; 1-10 scale - Calm - highly anxious.
April 12, 2005:
Pediatric Neurologist appt:
Brain scan...looking at brain wave patterns...Dr. recommendations for anxiety; splash your face with water, use music, butterfly pat yourself with arms crossed over chest. Brain scan results in one week.
Psychological evaluation recommended; will insurance pay? Test I.Q. No, insurance will not pay...tests will run in the thousands.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The age of innocence...
Greetings...I check in with you for the latest on Miss Lynn. She has now been back in her boarding school for 5 weeks. The new medication she started in May, "Abilify" was working very well over the summer, however, her psychiatrist was concerned that she had gained a whopping 12lbs since beginning the medication. This was over a 2-month period. This is record weight gain for Lynn. She has always been thin and has always had a very slow and steady growth pattern. It didn't occur to me that it might be a side effect of the new med even though I fully read all about it before agreeing to put her on it. !!! Why?!!! Why just when we think we have found something that will really make a difference even if it's just a small one, why does there ALWAYS need to be something to get in the way of that?! Her doctor was very concerned about the weight gain and wants to monitor her closely for continued weight gain. She must lose the weight by her next visit in October or he will take her off the medication. I am happy to report that she just called me yesterday and told me that she has lost 6lbs. Whew. I had a feeling that she had lost some weight because her class had a "mall trip" last weekend and I met her there. I bought her some new clothes and when she was trying them on, I could see that she looked more trim. You must understand that I am not one of those moms who is fanatical about my daughter's weight...this is only because we were so concerned that this medication would cause continual weight gain which could pose other problems for Lynn.
It is now November...we will need to re-evaluate Lynn's Bipolar meds on her next visit home. Since I have heard that Lithium is the proven drug of choice for Bipolars, I am going to discuss this option with her psychiatrist. She had a major manic episode last week that left all in her wake exhausted, confused and mostly deeply saddened. I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel as her mother. My heart was broken for her.
Having Lynn at a boarding school has allowed me to seperate my own emotions from these instances. I am able to gain so much perspective and I am now afforded the opportunity to show her my concern, support and love when these occur. When she is home, I am right in the middle of these storms and it becomes so personal. Lynn really needs her mother to be objective and loving...I am the only one who can be with all she goes through. She just told me that she doesn't know what she would do without me...that sometimes she really believes that I am the only one who loves her and understands her...Thank you Dear God in heaven for these little nuggets from this child! My heart swells with love for her when I receive the smallest hint of fragility. Life is so challenging with Lynn; I have heard it said that the children we weep for the most are the ones who bring us the greatest joys. I understand that statement so well. I worry, I get angry and frustrated; so scared, and through all the passion of those emotions there is this fragile little girl who is just as scared and frustrated. The break throughs are delicious nuggets of time that bring so much hope for the future.
She is coming home next week. We are all looking forward to the Christmas holiday and family time and traditions. Merry Christmas! Seasons Greetings!
It is now November...we will need to re-evaluate Lynn's Bipolar meds on her next visit home. Since I have heard that Lithium is the proven drug of choice for Bipolars, I am going to discuss this option with her psychiatrist. She had a major manic episode last week that left all in her wake exhausted, confused and mostly deeply saddened. I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel as her mother. My heart was broken for her.
Having Lynn at a boarding school has allowed me to seperate my own emotions from these instances. I am able to gain so much perspective and I am now afforded the opportunity to show her my concern, support and love when these occur. When she is home, I am right in the middle of these storms and it becomes so personal. Lynn really needs her mother to be objective and loving...I am the only one who can be with all she goes through. She just told me that she doesn't know what she would do without me...that sometimes she really believes that I am the only one who loves her and understands her...Thank you Dear God in heaven for these little nuggets from this child! My heart swells with love for her when I receive the smallest hint of fragility. Life is so challenging with Lynn; I have heard it said that the children we weep for the most are the ones who bring us the greatest joys. I understand that statement so well. I worry, I get angry and frustrated; so scared, and through all the passion of those emotions there is this fragile little girl who is just as scared and frustrated. The break throughs are delicious nuggets of time that bring so much hope for the future.
She is coming home next week. We are all looking forward to the Christmas holiday and family time and traditions. Merry Christmas! Seasons Greetings!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
It's summertime...
And the living is easy..or is it with a bipolar!!! Ahhh!! It has been touch and go with Lynn this summer so far. She has presented many challenges. I have had to watch her and keep close tabs on her whereabouts. She just doesn't have a grasp on the consequences of her actions. I have found that keeping her busy with very constructive activities like volunteering at a local summer day camp - in an outdoor, nature sort of setting was so very good for her in many ways. At first she went reluctantly, then she made a few friends there and enjoyed the work she did with the children. She begged me to go back. She ended up with more than 200 community service hours for the time she spent helping out at this camp. The camp director loved her and told me so every day. He said she was such a big help. The director put Lynn with a child who had Cerebral Palsy. She was his care giver for the week he was in the camp. She shared some very meaningful camp experiences working with this young boy. She was a self-starter taking it upon herself to see what needed to be done and setting about doing it before being asked. If this is any indication of how she will conduct herself once she becomes an adult, what is this mother so worried about?! In spite of all the pain and heartache...this young lady can make me so proud!
Every bit the teenager, she spent the summer text messaging her friends and friends of friends. This turned into an obsession with her. Even during our two weeks in Hawaii, she spent much of her time in the hotel rooms texting everyone she knew back in Georgia and Florida. Upon returning home, she promptly got on her lap top computer and spent her time "instant messaging" her friends and friends of friends. It's the "friends-of-friends" part that lead to trouble for her in late summer. Given even a moment of idle time...with all her friends from this area back in school a week before she had to go back to boarding school, Lynn found herself in trouble that could've led to a very serious situation for all of us. This is when we realized that for Lynn, the Internet-instant-messaging is like a drug...dangerous and addictive. On day three of the week prior to going back to school, and all her friends already back in school, Lynn had just the night before received her lap top back and with that her computer privileges. I walked into her room mid morning to find her "chatting" online with a boy from another state...a "friend" of her boyfriend. This "friend" whom her boyfriend told her was bad news...and to stay away from him was a convited criminal. He is her age and has been in trouble with the law. He was a sick and scary individual. His "MySpace" site provided evidence that this was not someone who should be in my daughter's life in any capacity. Lynn was warned by her boyfriend...yet Lynn was intrigued..as she always is with danger. She was literally 2 seconds away from sending some seriously compromising pictures of herself to this boy at his request...I read the dialogue and he was a nasty young man. Lynn immediately lost her lap top...she attempted to lie about what she was about to do. I took her cell phone away. I explained - somewhat impassionately - much about the consequences of what she was doing...I tried to tell her what she was inviting; be it now or in the future. I told her as her mother, I felt I needed to steel my heart against what will happen to her in the future because it was much too painful to think that my beautiful daughter was setting herself up to be raped, beaten and or killed in the future...that she was also inviting danger to visit our home and could bring that danger here to harm her mother, her sister and possibly her father. Sometimes I am so so very scared for her future. She doesn't have the capacity in her brain to understand consequences...she is clinically sociopathic.
Sociopaths are often thought to be criminals. That is only because most criminal behavior is sociopathic - lacking in conscience and consequence for others. Lynn doesn't want to hurt others...but she does not possess the sense of guilt or morality that most of us possess. In addition to her bipolar disorder, Lynn has a chemical imbalance in her brain that doesn't allow this experience for her-the experience of the sense of morality. Sadly, her therapist explained to me just this summer that there is NO CURE for this and furthermore, at this time there is NO MEDICATION to correct this in her brain. We are treating her for her bipolar disorder, but we cannot treat her for the sociopathic behavior. All we can do is model, repeatedly the behaviors we want from her. We must condition these behaviors in her with repetition of healthy relationships and proper actions to her behaviors.
Attending boarding school has been an excellent answer to providing Lynn with the unique environment she needs. At boarding school, she has had the best opportunity to interact regularly with her peers and faculty and staff...not her parents. The environment at the boarding school allows her to develop healthy peer relationships. The faculty and staff provide consequences to her unwanted actions that are much better at motivating her. Because of the fact that they are not her parents (with us she did not feel threatened...she knew that she didn't need to correct her behavior for long because we would either give in or get distracted and forget.) At the boarding school, Lynn fears the consequences...being sent to the dean, etc. The consequences there are threatening to her because they are embarrassing to her in front of her peers AND they could possibly threaten her future..getting into the college of her choice. As hard as it is for me as her mother to send her away to school...I miss her terribly, I know in my heart that the sacrifice I am making is a pure act of love for this child.
So I end this post with a summary of our summer...and a beginning to the new school year. Lynn is back in school. She is a freshman in high school. I am proud of her and I am scared for her. Only too quickly will she be 18 and starting college. We have just 4 quick years to set her on the right path. I am hopeful I am scared. No matter what, she will always have my unconditional love.
Every bit the teenager, she spent the summer text messaging her friends and friends of friends. This turned into an obsession with her. Even during our two weeks in Hawaii, she spent much of her time in the hotel rooms texting everyone she knew back in Georgia and Florida. Upon returning home, she promptly got on her lap top computer and spent her time "instant messaging" her friends and friends of friends. It's the "friends-of-friends" part that lead to trouble for her in late summer. Given even a moment of idle time...with all her friends from this area back in school a week before she had to go back to boarding school, Lynn found herself in trouble that could've led to a very serious situation for all of us. This is when we realized that for Lynn, the Internet-instant-messaging is like a drug...dangerous and addictive. On day three of the week prior to going back to school, and all her friends already back in school, Lynn had just the night before received her lap top back and with that her computer privileges. I walked into her room mid morning to find her "chatting" online with a boy from another state...a "friend" of her boyfriend. This "friend" whom her boyfriend told her was bad news...and to stay away from him was a convited criminal. He is her age and has been in trouble with the law. He was a sick and scary individual. His "MySpace" site provided evidence that this was not someone who should be in my daughter's life in any capacity. Lynn was warned by her boyfriend...yet Lynn was intrigued..as she always is with danger. She was literally 2 seconds away from sending some seriously compromising pictures of herself to this boy at his request...I read the dialogue and he was a nasty young man. Lynn immediately lost her lap top...she attempted to lie about what she was about to do. I took her cell phone away. I explained - somewhat impassionately - much about the consequences of what she was doing...I tried to tell her what she was inviting; be it now or in the future. I told her as her mother, I felt I needed to steel my heart against what will happen to her in the future because it was much too painful to think that my beautiful daughter was setting herself up to be raped, beaten and or killed in the future...that she was also inviting danger to visit our home and could bring that danger here to harm her mother, her sister and possibly her father. Sometimes I am so so very scared for her future. She doesn't have the capacity in her brain to understand consequences...she is clinically sociopathic.
Sociopaths are often thought to be criminals. That is only because most criminal behavior is sociopathic - lacking in conscience and consequence for others. Lynn doesn't want to hurt others...but she does not possess the sense of guilt or morality that most of us possess. In addition to her bipolar disorder, Lynn has a chemical imbalance in her brain that doesn't allow this experience for her-the experience of the sense of morality. Sadly, her therapist explained to me just this summer that there is NO CURE for this and furthermore, at this time there is NO MEDICATION to correct this in her brain. We are treating her for her bipolar disorder, but we cannot treat her for the sociopathic behavior. All we can do is model, repeatedly the behaviors we want from her. We must condition these behaviors in her with repetition of healthy relationships and proper actions to her behaviors.
Attending boarding school has been an excellent answer to providing Lynn with the unique environment she needs. At boarding school, she has had the best opportunity to interact regularly with her peers and faculty and staff...not her parents. The environment at the boarding school allows her to develop healthy peer relationships. The faculty and staff provide consequences to her unwanted actions that are much better at motivating her. Because of the fact that they are not her parents (with us she did not feel threatened...she knew that she didn't need to correct her behavior for long because we would either give in or get distracted and forget.) At the boarding school, Lynn fears the consequences...being sent to the dean, etc. The consequences there are threatening to her because they are embarrassing to her in front of her peers AND they could possibly threaten her future..getting into the college of her choice. As hard as it is for me as her mother to send her away to school...I miss her terribly, I know in my heart that the sacrifice I am making is a pure act of love for this child.
So I end this post with a summary of our summer...and a beginning to the new school year. Lynn is back in school. She is a freshman in high school. I am proud of her and I am scared for her. Only too quickly will she be 18 and starting college. We have just 4 quick years to set her on the right path. I am hopeful I am scared. No matter what, she will always have my unconditional love.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Every day I am learning..I am only human...
There is so much to be understood about Bipolar disorder. All the time, I thought the worst! I feared so much that my beautiful first-born child suffered from "mental illness." That she was "psychotic." Us mothers, we have such a heavy burden. Yet, our desires are so very simple. All we want is for our babies to be healthy and our children to be happy. We fear for anything to be wrong. We begin the worrying while our babies are in the womb...it never ceases. I would not accept the something was seriously wrong. As the symptoms increased, I began to search for some answers. I was looking for some help. I hoped and prayed the solution would be simple. Maybe a change in diet? Maybe it had to do with my parenting style? Did she suffer some unknown trauma?' The search became a quest to really find the truth; anything just so I could help her, help our family cope. Speaking with the experts over the years, the psychiatrists, the licensed-clinical-social-workers, the therapists, the clinical psychologists, no one could explain exactly what we were dealing with. No one except for the clinical psycholgist we found in Smyrna, GA. Dr. Cooper has been in practice for more than 35 years. Needless to say he is very experienced and knowledgeable. Many of his patients are very much like Lynn although no two are just alike. He is the only one who has been able to provide at least a logical and educated explanation. He has been calm and gentle and very professional. He believes in Lynn. He continues to be interested in her care and long-term prognosis even though she is no longer in his care. He says that he doesn't need to see her anymore, that the tests he used to complete the full-psychological-evaluation fully diagnosed what is going on in Lynn's head. Dr. Cooper explained to me that she is not mentally-ill; Lynn simply has a chemical embalance. With the right combination of medications (and this will change as she grows), and with regular counseling..and he said that even this will decrease over time, Lynn will have a very full and productive life. All my fears that Lynn was "mentally-ill" were incorrect. What does this mean? I will never be forced to make the decision to put her into a long-term care facility. I have belonged to several support groups. This is a decision that faces others who deal with various other and very serious illnesses.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I tell Lynn this. I also tell her that I love her with my whole heart and soul and that all my efforts for her and her sister's health, safety and happiness are the primary reason I exist.
Lynn is back home for the summer. It will be a good one. She is awake now and I must go and spend some time with her.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I tell Lynn this. I also tell her that I love her with my whole heart and soul and that all my efforts for her and her sister's health, safety and happiness are the primary reason I exist.
Lynn is back home for the summer. It will be a good one. She is awake now and I must go and spend some time with her.
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