More Journal Excerpts...

More unedited journal content. I struggle to make sense of what is happening. I am looking for answers, information. I am searching for an expert or even another family who can relate. Many times I am told by people I thought were my friends and even from my own family that it is me with the problems...it's me; not [Lynn]. So often I believe that. I buy into what they say. I feel I have failed as a mother and sometimes even as a wife. I start to give up but my faith in God gets me through. His mercy and His eternal promise gives me so much hope...I have spent countless hours in therapy myself only to learn that there are no answers for me just more questions. According to my therapist I am "healthy"...my own anxiety is "situational." Therapy helps me understand [Lynn]. It helps me understand myself and it helps me to be the mother she needs me to be.

June 1, 2005:
[Lynn's] moods swing from a normal state, to mania and extreme excitement to angry, agitated and frustrated. She will ask your opinion about something and then argue both sides contradicting herself.

She expresses anger by huffing and puffing. She will fidget with her body wildly and very theatrically. She will speak her mind with no concern for consequence. She then pierces you with an icy glare.

[Lynn] is very bright. She is obsessively, compulsively motivated. To the point of exhausting those around her. If [Lynn] has a school project to do, no one will hear the end of it until it is complete and done so to perfection.

Self Esteem:
[Lynn] gives off an attitude that she is in control; however, she really suffers from poor self esteem. It bothers her that she has difficulty maintaining friends.

The next several weeks were spent searching for a clinical psychologist and psychological assessment centers. I made countless calls...waited on hold; interviewed many professionals over the phone. Once I narrowed the list, I made appointments to interview them in person. I was in search of the best doctor for [Lynn] and for our family. I wanted to know what was involved in a "Formal, Psychological Evaluation" and what is the course for treatment. What are the short-term and what will the long-term prognosis be? How can we help her now and how can we prepare for the future?

During this time; we found a very experienced, caring psychologist who continues to follow her care and treatment. We also were able to rule out several options. We learned much and we also learned how much we don't know. We found a new psychiatrist and therapist. (We moved from Florida to Georgia during the Summer of 2005.) We then began the long search for a school for [Lynn].

Excerpts from my journals...

The following post is taken straight from my journals. The information is unedited.

Monday, March 21, 2005:
"Many days I wonder, How will I survive the roller coaster of raising my BP child? It is exhausting and triggers anxiety and compulsive behavior in ME! I find myself agitated and nervously trying to make things "right".

It is gut wrenching to find myself in battle with her - of course even the most gentle persuasion is a nuclear attack to her! And to find my younger child, (my 5-yr old daughter) quietly weeping after listening to the explosion sometimes most of the day - "Lynn is in trouble...again."

Note to self in journal: "Mention to [Lynn's therapist] that she is writing things in her journals that are angry and disturbing. She hates herself..she says she thinks she is 'crazy', 'sicko' and should be sent to a place for 'dumb people'. She gives an outward appearance of everything being "ok" to you [her therapist], her teachers - I know better...I can see that she is tormented inside. Will Lynn need to be hospitalized to aggressively manage her meds? To stabilize her? I am so torn...I am so afraid. I want to help her..heal her...love her. Where are the answers?

Depakote: Begin with one at night at dinner time; for 3 nights, then 1 in the morning and then 1 at night...with meals...a little nausea.

Monday, March 21, 2005:
[Lynn] awoke immediate and anxious. She was frantically looking for a denim jacket...found. Then her wallet...found after hyper vetillating and tears. She was agitated, irritable and frustrated with her 5-yr-old sister. She did not eat well today. Mostly carbs and diet soft drinks...I am having a hard time controlling the amount of soft drinks she consumes...cannot catch her in the act. She had a friend from school over and she was bossy and pushy with her. She ended the day calm and tired.

Psychiatrist appt:
Should we evaluate the Adderall she is taking as it might be affecting her anxiety problems?

Tuesday, March 22, 2005:
Again, [Lynn] awoke agitated. She had that evil, glassy stare in her eyes. And is angry with me for trying to talk with her about her feelings. Now there is exposive anger and tears...tears from her, from me..and from the little sister.

Thursday, March 24, 2005:
The reward system of discipline is meaningless to [Lynn]. Behavioral modification does not work. We have tried everything! Her behavior cannot be controlled until her medication is right. Her behavior is biological such as any other biological urge.

April 5, 2005:
Begin mood charting; 1-10 scale - Calm - highly anxious.

April 12, 2005:
Pediatric Neurologist appt:
Brain scan...looking at brain wave patterns...Dr. recommendations for anxiety; splash your face with water, use music, butterfly pat yourself with arms crossed over chest. Brain scan results in one week.

Psychological evaluation recommended; will insurance pay? Test I.Q. No, insurance will not pay...tests will run in the thousands.

The age of innocence...

Greetings...I check in with you for the latest on Miss Lynn. She has now been back in her boarding school for 5 weeks. The new medication she started in May, "Abilify" was working very well over the summer, however, her psychiatrist was concerned that she had gained a whopping 12lbs since beginning the medication. This was over a 2-month period. This is record weight gain for Lynn. She has always been thin and has always had a very slow and steady growth pattern. It didn't occur to me that it might be a side effect of the new med even though I fully read all about it before agreeing to put her on it. !!! Why?!!! Why just when we think we have found something that will really make a difference even if it's just a small one, why does there ALWAYS need to be something to get in the way of that?! Her doctor was very concerned about the weight gain and wants to monitor her closely for continued weight gain. She must lose the weight by her next visit in October or he will take her off the medication. I am happy to report that she just called me yesterday and told me that she has lost 6lbs. Whew. I had a feeling that she had lost some weight because her class had a "mall trip" last weekend and I met her there. I bought her some new clothes and when she was trying them on, I could see that she looked more trim. You must understand that I am not one of those moms who is fanatical about my daughter's weight...this is only because we were so concerned that this medication would cause continual weight gain which could pose other problems for Lynn.

It is now November...we will need to re-evaluate Lynn's Bipolar meds on her next visit home. Since I have heard that Lithium is the proven drug of choice for Bipolars, I am going to discuss this option with her psychiatrist. She had a major manic episode last week that left all in her wake exhausted, confused and mostly deeply saddened. I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel as her mother. My heart was broken for her.

Having Lynn at a boarding school has allowed me to seperate my own emotions from these instances. I am able to gain so much perspective and I am now afforded the opportunity to show her my concern, support and love when these occur. When she is home, I am right in the middle of these storms and it becomes so personal. Lynn really needs her mother to be objective and loving...I am the only one who can be with all she goes through. She just told me that she doesn't know what she would do without me...that sometimes she really believes that I am the only one who loves her and understands her...Thank you Dear God in heaven for these little nuggets from this child! My heart swells with love for her when I receive the smallest hint of fragility. Life is so challenging with Lynn; I have heard it said that the children we weep for the most are the ones who bring us the greatest joys. I understand that statement so well. I worry, I get angry and frustrated; so scared, and through all the passion of those emotions there is this fragile little girl who is just as scared and frustrated. The break throughs are delicious nuggets of time that bring so much hope for the future.

She is coming home next week. We are all looking forward to the Christmas holiday and family time and traditions. Merry Christmas! Seasons Greetings!

It's summertime...

And the living is easy..or is it with a bipolar!!! Ahhh!! It has been touch and go with Lynn this summer so far. She has presented many challenges. I have had to watch her and keep close tabs on her whereabouts. She just doesn't have a grasp on the consequences of her actions. I have found that keeping her busy with very constructive activities like volunteering at a local summer day camp - in an outdoor, nature sort of setting was so very good for her in many ways. At first she went reluctantly, then she made a few friends there and enjoyed the work she did with the children. She begged me to go back. She ended up with more than 200 community service hours for the time she spent helping out at this camp. The camp director loved her and told me so every day. He said she was such a big help. The director put Lynn with a child who had Cerebral Palsy. She was his care giver for the week he was in the camp. She shared some very meaningful camp experiences working with this young boy. She was a self-starter taking it upon herself to see what needed to be done and setting about doing it before being asked. If this is any indication of how she will conduct herself once she becomes an adult, what is this mother so worried about?! In spite of all the pain and heartache...this young lady can make me so proud!

Every bit the teenager, she spent the summer text messaging her friends and friends of friends. This turned into an obsession with her. Even during our two weeks in Hawaii, she spent much of her time in the hotel rooms texting everyone she knew back in Georgia and Florida. Upon returning home, she promptly got on her lap top computer and spent her time "instant messaging" her friends and friends of friends. It's the "friends-of-friends" part that lead to trouble for her in late summer. Given even a moment of idle time...with all her friends from this area back in school a week before she had to go back to boarding school, Lynn found herself in trouble that could've led to a very serious situation for all of us. This is when we realized that for Lynn, the Internet-instant-messaging is like a drug...dangerous and addictive. On day three of the week prior to going back to school, and all her friends already back in school, Lynn had just the night before received her lap top back and with that her computer privileges. I walked into her room mid morning to find her "chatting" online with a boy from another state...a "friend" of her boyfriend. This "friend" whom her boyfriend told her was bad news...and to stay away from him was a convited criminal. He is her age and has been in trouble with the law. He was a sick and scary individual. His "MySpace" site provided evidence that this was not someone who should be in my daughter's life in any capacity. Lynn was warned by her boyfriend...yet Lynn was intrigued..as she always is with danger. She was literally 2 seconds away from sending some seriously compromising pictures of herself to this boy at his request...I read the dialogue and he was a nasty young man. Lynn immediately lost her lap top...she attempted to lie about what she was about to do. I took her cell phone away. I explained - somewhat impassionately - much about the consequences of what she was doing...I tried to tell her what she was inviting; be it now or in the future. I told her as her mother, I felt I needed to steel my heart against what will happen to her in the future because it was much too painful to think that my beautiful daughter was setting herself up to be raped, beaten and or killed in the future...that she was also inviting danger to visit our home and could bring that danger here to harm her mother, her sister and possibly her father. Sometimes I am so so very scared for her future. She doesn't have the capacity in her brain to understand consequences...she is clinically sociopathic.

Sociopaths are often thought to be criminals. That is only because most criminal behavior is sociopathic - lacking in conscience and consequence for others. Lynn doesn't want to hurt others...but she does not possess the sense of guilt or morality that most of us possess. In addition to her bipolar disorder, Lynn has a chemical imbalance in her brain that doesn't allow this experience for her-the experience of the sense of morality. Sadly, her therapist explained to me just this summer that there is NO CURE for this and furthermore, at this time there is NO MEDICATION to correct this in her brain. We are treating her for her bipolar disorder, but we cannot treat her for the sociopathic behavior. All we can do is model, repeatedly the behaviors we want from her. We must condition these behaviors in her with repetition of healthy relationships and proper actions to her behaviors.

Attending boarding school has been an excellent answer to providing Lynn with the unique environment she needs. At boarding school, she has had the best opportunity to interact regularly with her peers and faculty and staff...not her parents. The environment at the boarding school allows her to develop healthy peer relationships. The faculty and staff provide consequences to her unwanted actions that are much better at motivating her. Because of the fact that they are not her parents (with us she did not feel threatened...she knew that she didn't need to correct her behavior for long because we would either give in or get distracted and forget.) At the boarding school, Lynn fears the consequences...being sent to the dean, etc. The consequences there are threatening to her because they are embarrassing to her in front of her peers AND they could possibly threaten her future..getting into the college of her choice. As hard as it is for me as her mother to send her away to school...I miss her terribly, I know in my heart that the sacrifice I am making is a pure act of love for this child.

So I end this post with a summary of our summer...and a beginning to the new school year. Lynn is back in school. She is a freshman in high school. I am proud of her and I am scared for her. Only too quickly will she be 18 and starting college. We have just 4 quick years to set her on the right path. I am hopeful I am scared. No matter what, she will always have my unconditional love.

Every day I am learning..I am only human...

There is so much to be understood about Bipolar disorder. All the time, I thought the worst! I feared so much that my beautiful first-born child suffered from "mental illness." That she was "psychotic." Us mothers, we have such a heavy burden. Yet, our desires are so very simple. All we want is for our babies to be healthy and our children to be happy. We fear for anything to be wrong. We begin the worrying while our babies are in the womb...it never ceases. I would not accept the something was seriously wrong. As the symptoms increased, I began to search for some answers. I was looking for some help. I hoped and prayed the solution would be simple. Maybe a change in diet? Maybe it had to do with my parenting style? Did she suffer some unknown trauma?' The search became a quest to really find the truth; anything just so I could help her, help our family cope. Speaking with the experts over the years, the psychiatrists, the licensed-clinical-social-workers, the therapists, the clinical psychologists, no one could explain exactly what we were dealing with. No one except for the clinical psycholgist we found in Smyrna, GA. Dr. Cooper has been in practice for more than 35 years. Needless to say he is very experienced and knowledgeable. Many of his patients are very much like Lynn although no two are just alike. He is the only one who has been able to provide at least a logical and educated explanation. He has been calm and gentle and very professional. He believes in Lynn. He continues to be interested in her care and long-term prognosis even though she is no longer in his care. He says that he doesn't need to see her anymore, that the tests he used to complete the full-psychological-evaluation fully diagnosed what is going on in Lynn's head. Dr. Cooper explained to me that she is not mentally-ill; Lynn simply has a chemical embalance. With the right combination of medications (and this will change as she grows), and with regular counseling..and he said that even this will decrease over time, Lynn will have a very full and productive life. All my fears that Lynn was "mentally-ill" were incorrect. What does this mean? I will never be forced to make the decision to put her into a long-term care facility. I have belonged to several support groups. This is a decision that faces others who deal with various other and very serious illnesses.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I tell Lynn this. I also tell her that I love her with my whole heart and soul and that all my efforts for her and her sister's health, safety and happiness are the primary reason I exist.

Lynn is back home for the summer. It will be a good one. She is awake now and I must go and spend some time with her.

Ups and downs...

I get swept up in the rollercoaster that it Bipolar. Each new medication, each new mood upswing and I am drunk with the feeling that things are “normal” now. All that other stuff? The stuff of the down swings? All those awful times…a distant memory..too soon forgotten just to slap me in the face with the cold reality that this too was temporary.

Lynn started the Abilify a few weeks ago. It really seems to be helping her. However, these last two weeks she has been preparing for her final exams. This causes her to be stressed and have anxiety. When this happens, she finds the one person who she knows she can take it out on and she unleashes. Yes, that person is always me. I am mother and the one who has been in her life consistently. The one she knows she can abuse and yet I will still always be there, loving her, no matter what.

This time it all started with phone calls. She is still away at school. She has her cell phone around the clock now so she calls me at various times during the day. The minute I answer, she starts complaining or even sometimes she just starts yelling. She is yelling about all the studying she has to do. She is yelling about the material she must remember for the exams…she is yelling because she wants a certain picture for her Myspace site. Whatever the concern for the moment, she is yelling. Then she huffs at me when I don’t give her the response she is looking for and *click* hangs up on me. Yes, I know. I should not have put up with this beginning with the first time she did it. After about 3 or 4 hang ups..I had it. I called her back and let her know I was through with her abuse and she was losing her cell phone for the remainder of the week…until I go and retrieve her from school for the summer. She frantically called me back and tried to tell me it was a mistake. She “didn’t know what happened and why the call disconnected.” I know better and did not buy it for a minute. I emailed her dorm mother to remove her phone from her immediately. Lynn went straight into her dorm mother and turned her phone in without being told to do so. She told her dorm mother that she would be receiving an email from me asking her to take Lynn’s phone from her. Her dorm mother emailed me right away and told me that Lynn was very upset that I was angry with her. And right she should be!!! She tried to tell me that I should reconsider with it being exam week. The dorm mother said that Lynn had been very responsible with her phone and she had really noticed a “marked difference” in her since she began taking Abilify. I warned the dorm mother to not be fooled by Lynn’s manipulation. Lynn has a way of “profiling” people and using their weaknesses against them to suit her needs and desires.

Even 2 hours away, Lynn has a way of getting under my skin and affecting my moods. I was so angry with the flagrant way she just huffed at me and blurted an insult and hung up on me. I am her mother for goodness sake! How could she treat someone who loves her, takes care of her, only wants the best for her this way! It really hurts…it’s like the sting of a slap in the face. When she treats me this way I just want to scream! These are the times when she would gloat in her success of putting me into an angry state. She was feeling bad and she wasn’t going to stop pushing all my buttons until I felt the same or worse.

She is not even home for the summer yet and I am already feeling the anxiety of her presence. I am even counting the days I will be forced to spend with her…I really want a better relationship with my eldest daughter. Again, I am swept into the cycle of the moods…drunk with the euphoria of the good times just to be let down by the bad.

Living for today.

So happy to report today that Lynn is still doing well on her new medication, Abilify. No side effects have presented themselves as of yet...keeping my fingers crossed. She will come home this weekend for Mother's Day and stay over Monday to see her psychiatrist. Could this be a new wonderful chapter in Lynn's life? What timing! Just as she begins the summer before her high school years. I am actually looking forward to being with her this summer. Summers are usually dreaded. The nonstop constant togetherness combined with her boredom in the previous years was always a recipe for a perfect storm. For this reason, I always have had her very scheduled with summer camps and various activities. However, I was simply pushing her off to others to deal with her constant shifts in attitude and moods. More on this in a future blog.

For now, I am looking forward to seeing her this Friday afternoon. We will pack my car up with many of her belongings that she will need to take home for the summer.

Check back for an update on how this weekend goes and what her doctor has to say on Monday.

Happy Mother's Day!